New Life LIVE: September 4, 2026

Guest (Male): Welcome to the New Life Live podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's Word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.
Brian Perez: Hey everyone, welcome to New Life Live. I'm your host, Brian Perez, and what do we have in store for you today? Well, it's more like what do you have in store for us, because we're not really a topic-driven show. You guys call us and you dictate the direction that we go in. So thank you so much for joining us. I'm here with Dr. Alice Benton. She's a clinical psychologist, also a licensed marriage and family therapist. Mark Cameron, who leads How We Love and has also written a book titled *Understanding Your Attachment Style*, is available for purchase in the NewLife.com store. Guys, it's so good to be with you again. Alice, what's on your mind to start us off?
Dr. Alice Benton: The question, who hurts you the most? Sadly, the answer is often the ones that are closest to us: our own family members. The therapy sessions that I provide in my private practice are filled with stories of family members having rejected or abused physically, emotionally, even sexually. The research actually shows that abuse is most likely to come from a family member or even a close friend, which makes it all that much more difficult to try to solve the hurt that you carry when it's a loved one that you might still be stuck with and maybe they're continuing to hurt you. Proverbs tells us that if you rescue an angry man from the consequences of his behavior, you're just going to have to do it again. I'm going to extract from that that we receive what we tolerate. Now, the original abusive behavior against us is not our fault, but our reaction is something that we have some control over. Whether or not we stay exposed to the same ongoing abuse is something we can alter. It usually takes outside help because what I'm about to share is very difficult to implement. I'm going to give you a lighter-level example. The other day, my son was enjoying the privilege of screen use. I work hard to make sure the internet is available in our home. I work hard to have screens that work for us to use. Not all of them work well, but they're still working. My son was disrespectful to me as he is sitting in a home that my husband and I provide for him. I wondered if I address his disrespect because it was subtle, but I know if I don't address it, I'm likely to get more of the same. We're seeing this problem more and more frequently that parents feel like it's a child's privilege and right to have access to a screen and to the internet. So that kid can abuse us, mistreat us, be disrespectful and disobedient, and yet they still get access to their screens. The idea of the leverage we have, whether from a parent to a younger child, its screen access, or some of those other examples I was giving—perhaps the leverage is the pleasure of my company. I may choose to protect myself by deciding these privileges, whether it's the material things or my company, I share them with people who are kind to me and treat me well. If you choose not to treat me well, you lose access to me and to the resources that I can provide. That may sound cold, but it's actually incredibly loving because it gives the best chance of drawing something better out of that family member who is mistreating us. So there are a couple of steps that I would advise. One is ongoing self-evaluation because my shortcomings impact my family. The second is calmly point out that you're being mistreated because sometimes the person doesn't know; they might actually be ignorant. Ask for what you need, but then protect yourself from further mistreatment by stating, "I share my company and I share my possessions with people who treat me well. How are you going to decide to treat me?"
Brian Perez: Great opening remarks from Dr. Alice Benton on today's edition of New Life Live. Maybe you're driving around right now and you heard that and said, "Man, I wanted to take notes." Well, you know what? We archive all of our episodes, so you can find them a little bit later on today in the New Life app or on our YouTube channel so that you can go back and take those notes and then start implementing them in your life. We'll be right back on New Life Live. Marie and Elizabeth, we're going to talk to you in just a moment.
Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.
Brian Perez: Elizabeth and Chico, we're going to speak with you after we go to Marie in Philadelphia, who listens to us on WBYN. Welcome, Marie. How are you today?
Marie: I'm fine. Thank you for taking my call.
Brian Perez: Of course. We love taking calls from people who call in because there's something going on that they need help with. How can we help you?
Marie: Yes. I recently remarried about two years ago, and he's a wonderful man. However, he has a problem with when we talk about the simplest things, he will take what I say and switch it to something totally unrelated. When I'm clearly speaking to him about a particular subject, he will take it and flip it to something totally unrelated, and I don't understand. Another thing he does is he asks why about everything. Every simple thing. "Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green?" I mean, he doesn't say that, but I'm just saying very simple things. I try to speak to him in the greatest detail that I can, but these things still come from him. Also, he will take a conversation and turn it into a song. He's constantly just laughing about the way he speaks. Not everything, but at least two or three times a day, he'll take a conversation and relate it to a song that he's heard. Then one other thing: almost everything he says, he comes out with a wrong answer. It's just a little hard to understand. One other thing: when he was young—we're in our 70s—when he was in his 20s, he did drugs. So I wonder if drugs affected his brain and caused this. I saw this in another person in a store one time. But I don't know if you've ever heard of this. My question is, I want to respond to him in a way that will help him to see what his problem is without just right out saying, "What's wrong with you?"
Mark Cameron: Marie, how long did you date before you got married?
Marie: We dated a year.
Mark Cameron: And did you notice these things during that year?
Marie: I did notice these things. But he is so wonderful to me. I mean, he is just the ideal husband.
Mark Cameron: Have you addressed these nuances with him?
Marie: No, I haven't because I'm afraid of how he'll respond or maybe he'll deny it. I just basically pray that the Lord will fix whatever is wrong in his brain.
Mark Cameron: And some of the topics that he's changing the subject on, is that because you think he's avoiding the topic? Is it a serious, deep topic, or is he just distracted?
Marie: No, it's just very simple things. In almost any conversation we get into, he can just flip it to something totally unrelated, and then I have to bring him back because we were talking about this.
Mark Cameron: Well, you may not get this prayer answered because this could be the way that the Lord's designed him to be. Often in relationships, there's a honeymoon stage, and we look past little things that might bother us later on because we're just focusing on all the positive. Then as the relationship progresses, little things start to bother us about the other person. It's not necessarily because they're being different; it's because we're all of a sudden starting to notice them. So what I'm hearing from you is it's not that he's being avoidant. His mind just is very curious. His mind maybe bounces around to think about different things. You're talking about something like, "Oh, yeah, that reminds me of a song that I heard. Why is this like this? What do you think about that?" It could also be that he has ADHD. Who knows? Either way, his brain is just built in a different way, and it may not change. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean you can't address certain things with him. So I would focus on what your area of growth might be in this situation. Why you may be hesitant to bring this up to him, and then also why it's maybe so bothersome for you. If you had a parent who was very intrusive and asked you a lot of questions, that may be a reason why a person becomes bothered when other people start asking questions. If you think about your history, what stops you from addressing this?
Marie: I normally throughout my life just take these issues to the Lord and ask that He would do what He could do to change the situation. I have in the past addressed different situations, and I could tell him. I could ask him or bring the subject up. But I don't know. He has a hearing problem too, and I have to be careful because I have to speak loud. He does wear hearing aids, but that could be part of the problem too.
Mark Cameron: I actually think you should, because I think it will expose something about your relationship. If we can't be open and honest with one another as well as loving and accepting, it prevents intimacy from occurring. You may have heard this before, that God typically answers yes, no, or wait. If this is the way that God's built him, God's not going to change this about him. Sometimes when we're challenged that we can't change a situation, we have to look at what needs to be changed inside of us. I would begin by having that conversation and see what that elicits. If you find that you do run into problems and you do end up struggling, then maybe there's a therapist or someone who can help walk you through that. But who knows? Maybe you'll find out something from his past history and your own past history as you explore this subject together that highlights something interesting and builds a greater level of intimacy between the two of you. Do you think Intimacy in Marriage would help them?
Mark Cameron: Oh, I think Intimacy in Marriage can help everybody. Absolutely. Even though you guys have got a lot of life experience, the relationship itself is new, and there's still a lot to discover about one another.
Dr. Alice Benton: Marie, I understand your frustration. That combination that you're describing would be hard for me to tolerate. My husband is very musically inclined, and on most days, I really enjoy how musical he is. He turns his yawns into songs sometimes, and I don't always enjoy that. Some days, I'm not up for music and I'm not up for humor, and I need a break from his style. But it is his style, and it's very ingrained in him. I want to share a couple of things that I use myself and I teach other people to use. One, I'll challenge you. I think you spiritualize problems, which is good and necessary, but then I think it leaves you avoiding addressing it directly. Mark was pointing you in that direction, too. Your hesitation to bring things to people, to pray for two years about it but not say anything to him—there's something amiss there. I think you're missing out on how powerful a good, strong conversation can be when you address an annoying behavior directly. Your husband, he's a wonderful guy. He might be willing to adjust some of these eccentricities he has. You two might need a code word, and maybe it's something like squirrel. Maybe you've heard that joke that people who struggle with giving long, prolonged attention to a topic get distracted and they look at something else. That might be part of what your husband goes through. He just bounces to another topic. You can say something to him outside of it happening like, "It gets a little frustrating, honestly, when you don't stick with one topic. May I have your permission to gently point it out? Could we have a fun little code word? Can I say, 'Whoa, squirrel! This is one of those squirrel moments. Can we go back to what I brought up?'" Doing it gently and lightly like that might help him to accept it. I'd also set up an agreement between you and your husband to say, "Some days, I just need a break from the songs. I just am not in a musical mood. Would you mind holding that back when you're in my company?" But because some of these things he might not be able to change because he's got 70 years of the behaviors, you might choose that this is part of your lot in life. You've got a great husband, and he's got these odd behaviors that bug you. So when they happen, instead of saying anything, you might choose, "God bless him. God, I choose to forgive him that this gets annoying." You may have little power to change it, but choosing to see suffering or discomfort as God's way of refining our character, He might bring more patience out of you. What I've found, Marie, is that those days that I'm annoyed with the singsongy household I live in, it's usually because I've got something going on. I've got an irritability, a stress, I'm too anxious, and it shuts down the playful side of me that is otherwise able to enjoy that. So rather than it being my family's problem, I at least know part of it is my problem, and I have some power to figure out why I'm more irritable and testy today and less patient. God, I give you permission to work on that part of me. But this whole combination of what I'm suggesting may be very helpful for you and your husband. Bring it up at a time of peace when you're not terribly annoyed with him, and take responsibility that it might be your lack of patience that's bringing some of these things to the surface for you.
Mark Cameron: This reminds me of a well-known quote that's attributed to Carl Jung, who was a psychoanalyst. The quote is, "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." So I think it just would be great for you to bring it up to him, not to create conflict. All conflict really is, is two people have differences about something. Conflict doesn't have to necessarily be highly conflictual. He may have things about you that he doesn't like that he doesn't bring up. Maybe that's a great way to approach the subject too: "Is there anything about me that I do that you don't like? I'd like to hear that to see if there's a way that I can correct it." We all can only reach a certain level of intimacy with someone until we have conflict with them. Until we do have conflict, we don't know if we can mess up or speak up and be honest with someone and know if they're going to accept us back into the relationship. So conflict is actually necessary to be able to create deeper intimacy.
Brian Perez: Everyone watching and listening right now is wondering, so Alice, what's the code word you use with your husband when he starts turning his songs into yawns?
Dr. Alice Benton: We're more blunt than that. I'll just tell him, "I'm just not in a humorous, singsongy mood. I'm sorry." He'll say, "Okay, okay, I understand."
Brian Perez: I've also heard that sometimes when you're dating someone, the things that you find appealing or attractive, after time, you wind up being really annoyed by.
Mark Cameron: Oh, absolutely. "They're so carefree, I love it!" "They're so irresponsible, they don't make any plans!" It's the other side of the coin.
Brian Perez: Well, Marie, thank you so much for calling into New Life Live. You can find out more about the Intimacy in Marriage intensive. It's coming up at the end of this month. It begins on the 25th of September in Dallas. The early bird rate ends next Friday, the 11th of September. You might also want to pick up a copy of the *How We Love* book that's in the NewLife.com store. Thank you so much for calling us today here on New Life Live. We've got Mark Cameron here. He's the leader of How We Love, and we've got Dr. Alice Benton here too. Shalanda and Elizabeth, we're going to talk to you when we come back on New Life Live.
Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, visit NewLife.com. Now back to New Life Live.
Brian Perez: When you're battling destructive habits, recovery can often feel overwhelming and impossible to navigate alone. But freedom is possible, and lasting change begins with understanding the deeper roots behind addiction. To gain tools that can help you move from feeling stuck to taking meaningful steps forward, join us on September 17 for a 90-minute webinar titled *From Addiction to Freedom: Biblical and Clinical Help for Lasting Recovery*. You can get all the details about this at NewLife.com. You can also text the word webinar to 28950. We will text you back a registration link as well as a free tip sheet. Get that when you text webinar to 28950. *Seven Steps to Overcome Addiction* is the name of that tip sheet. You can also call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE to sign up or go to NewLife.com. If you can't join us on September 17—that's a Thursday—maybe that's bingo night or maybe it's date night or laundry night, I don't know, and you really want to be there, well, just sign up anyway because we'll send you a link after the webinar where you can watch for up to seven days after. Again, get all the details online or just text the word webinar to 28950. Here is Elizabeth in Chico, California, listening on the New Life app. Shalanda, we'll talk to you after we get with Elizabeth. How can we help you, Elizabeth? What's going on?
Elizabeth: Well, I am 72 years old. I go to church, but unfortunately, I cannot connect with the people there because they're about 40 years younger than I am. I'm really to the point that maybe I don't want to go to church for a while.
Mark Cameron: How long have you been going to this church?
Elizabeth: A little over a year.
Brian Perez: Are you new to that area?
Elizabeth: Well, kind of. I came from Alaska. I've been in California nine years, but I came from Alaska.
Brian Perez: And now you're at this new church and finding it hard to make friends.
Dr. Alice Benton: Elizabeth, would you tell us what was community like for you back in Alaska? Has there been a time in your life where you had abundant community that was really life-giving?
Elizabeth: Yes, in Alaska. Definitely in Alaska. I was up there 17 years and I helped out at the food bank, I taught Sunday school, I helped out with missionettes and pioneers at another church, so I kept myself very busy.
Dr. Alice Benton: What life circumstances brought you away from that into California?
Elizabeth: Too cold and too snowy and too icy. It was time for me to come. I live in Northern California. I'm between Chico and Redding, and I live in a little town called Corning. That's where I live, and I've been here a little over nine years, and I'm ready to go back to Alaska.
Dr. Alice Benton: And where is family?
Elizabeth: I don't have family. I have a daughter, but she doesn't speak to me hardly. I have a son that does not speak to me. I have another son that I rarely hear from. All that they tell me is, "It's a fairy tale that you're believing in, Mom, and I don't want to hear it."
Dr. Alice Benton: Your faith in particular is the fairy tale?
Elizabeth: My faith in Jesus Christ is a fairy tale to them.
Dr. Alice Benton: And your husband, did he pass away?
Elizabeth: He committed suicide many years ago. Then I was married in Alaska, and he passed away in 2009. He had gone missing, and they found him dead the next day. He was only 53 years old.
Brian Perez: Wow, Elizabeth.
Dr. Alice Benton: Life has been so lonely for you. I hear there were exceptions in Alaska; you had a great community. But to lose all of your immediate family members in horrific ways—Elizabeth, how is your heart doing with all those losses?
Elizabeth: It hurts. I had a son that died. His birthday would be September 5th, and he would be 46 years old. So I lost him as a baby at the age of 15 months. Anyway.
Dr. Alice Benton: Elizabeth, I hear your tears, and I suspect you're a real tough gal. I don't think you cry easily or cry with other people. Is that right?
Elizabeth: That's correct.
Dr. Alice Benton: I think, Elizabeth, because of what you've been through, I think a wall has been built up around you. There's even a toughness in your voice. I think people hear a message unintentionally that you're tough, you got it all together, you're an independent lady, and you don't need anybody. That's not at all what you want, but the tone of your voice somehow expresses that. I think it's because you have immense pain that probably has bottled up inside you. How do you react to that?
Elizabeth: I don't know. I stay in God's word daily. I pray daily. I walk like crazy. I probably walk between 12 and 14 miles a week. I do a lot of walking, do a lot of praying for people when I'm walking if I run into somebody.
Dr. Alice Benton: Elizabeth, your heart is to give. All these things you were involved in in Alaska, you're obviously a generous person. I want you to think over this break about this idea that you may unintentionally put off a really strong tone of voice that kind of says you have it all together and you don't need people. It might actually keep people at bay, keep people at a distance from you. So we're going to talk with you more after the break about when you get vulnerable and soft and you shed tears with us about your son. Elizabeth, that drew me into you. It made me want to know more about you and your story. Elizabeth, stay on the phone. We'll continue our conversation with you. Everyone watching and listening right now, please send a hug right now to Elizabeth. We're all going to be praying for you. But don't hang up; we want to continue our conversation on New Life Live.
Guest (Male): Every day, we hear from people all over the world who are looking for hope. They've been lost in a relationship struggle, addiction, anxiety, depression, all kinds of ways. Wouldn't you love to be part of a rescue team? Don't miss your opportunity to be part of something that changes lives every single day because everyone matters. Your generosity helps find them. And you know, we've seen God work in the lives of so many people over the years here at New Life, and we want to invite you to be part of what God is doing. 99 for the 1 is our partner program that you can give to the ministry on a monthly basis to make sure that we continue to reach out to the lost. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE, 1-800-639-5433, or NewLife.com/99for1. Join the mission, rescue the one and restore the many.
Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, visit NewLife.com. Now back to New Life Live.
Brian Perez: All right, back to Elizabeth. What do you think of what Alice said to you right before the break? Are you with us, Elizabeth?
Elizabeth: Yes, I am. Sorry.
Brian Perez: That's okay. What do you think of what Dr. Alice said right before the break?
Elizabeth: She is right on. I feel like, yep, I got this all together and I can go through life just fine. But I can't.
Mark Cameron: Have you ever had that feedback before that Alice gave you, Elizabeth? That your tone of voice and just how short and sharp you are might be off-putting or might be sending an unintentional message?
Elizabeth: No, I have not.
Mark Cameron: I want to validate what Alice is saying because I experienced your tone of voice the same way. Sometimes we don't know this stuff about ourselves until somebody lovingly points it out to us. I wonder if that's unintentionally sending a message to others that you might not be interested or you don't really want to continue a conversation, or maybe they just feel a little bit intimidated to start a conversation with you. I also am thinking about this correlation, too, that you're saying it's hard with the people in your church because they're all 30 years younger than you. They're probably a reminder too of your kids, who I imagine are around the similar age group, and maybe that's why they also find it hard to stay in relationship with you. I wonder if actually learning how to connect with people who are 30 years younger than you may actually help you in your relationship with your own kids. So here's a couple of things to maybe try. Pay attention to the tone of your voice and see if you can make it a little bit softer. Then also as you approach others, approach them in a curious way and ask them about them and listen and don't give any advice or any feedback and just be curious with others and see if that changes anything. It may take a little bit of time to build skills because skills do take time to build. Possibly even if you can be vulnerable enough to even ask somebody, maybe even a pastor or somebody who you might trust the most, to see if the feedback that we're giving you is also accurate from how they experience you too. Because I think if you can identify this and you can maybe resolve this or improve upon this, that could change a whole lot of things for you and help you feel a lot less disconnected. I wouldn't necessarily say just people's stages of life naturally make them disconnected from us. I mean, I have friends who are 10 years older than me, 20 years older, 30 years older, and I can connect with them in a very strong way. So maybe just try that.
Dr. Alice Benton: Elizabeth, I like your determination. I hear that. You are willing to take feedback that is not fun to hear and get to work on it, and that's a great part of your character. You might tell a couple of people you trust that you give them permission. Tell them, "I've just learned that I may be having an edgy, strong tone of voice. Would you let me know if I'm doing it? Because I'm trying to learn and become aware and I want to soften it." But only do it with people that will be loving about it back to you. Then, please get into grief work. The loss of all of your kids, your spouses—sister, you're walking wounded. When we have that much pain and we try to keep it at bay so we can survive the day, so much energy goes into suppressing your grief. If you'll let yourself enter into therapy to allow the grief, allow the tears—and it won't be comfortable for you because you're such a "get it done" kind of a lady—but letting yourself get soft and vulnerable like that will bring so much relief and it will honor these people that have died, that you lost. Lastly, I say this from experience too, because Elizabeth, I don't want to rely on anybody. I want to do things myself and I can hurt myself by carrying too heavy of a load literally and figuratively because I'm going to do it myself. I'm kind of good at doing stuff myself, so I don't need people. But like you said, my heart and soul need people, and I don't want to be needy. So I've had to come to accept that there's a healthy level of neediness. God wants us to be needy in a good way with trustworthy people. New Life has been the place for me to find those trustworthy people. So whether that's you getting into one of our New Life recovery groups with a New Life therapist and one of our New Life intensives, that's the place to find the kind of people you can do the things we're suggesting to do.
Mark Cameron: Vulnerability breeds vulnerability. God's given us all different talents and abilities, and when we can be vulnerable enough to need, it allows other people to use their God-given talents and abilities and to be able to bless us, and then it also allows opportunity for them to want to reciprocate and allow us to help them too.
Elizabeth: Okay. Sounds good. I'll do it.
Dr. Alice Benton: I really hope you call us back. Give this work a couple of months and then call us back, please, and let us know how it's going.
Elizabeth: Okay, I will do that. Absolutely.
Brian Perez: Elizabeth is just ready to get off the phone and start working on this. I love it!
Elizabeth: Thank you so much. I have to get my two miles of walking in today.
Brian Perez: Thank you for calling. I'm glad you did. You know what? I'm praying right now that you'll find someone that you can just connect with right now on your walk or maybe, I don't know, just something like you'll have something in common. Maybe they lived in Alaska too, who knows? Elizabeth, thank you for calling us today. *Healing is a Choice* is a book that we offer in the NewLife.com store. That would be a great fit for Elizabeth. Even Dr. Jim's book, *Doing Life with Your Adult Kids*, or Dr. Jim's other book, *When Your Adult Child Strays*, because it sounds like that's going on too, where they've just completely calling her beliefs fairy tales and everything else. Lots of resources for you there, Elizabeth, in the NewLife.com store. Thank you so much for calling in.
Dr. Alice Benton: You mentioned the phrase "the walking wounded." We have so many people like that in our church. We may not know. They might be the quiet ones who don't say a lot. We have no idea what people are going through. Sometimes when we're out on the road and someone's cutting us off, our first inclination—at least mine—is maybe to say something under my breath like, "What are you doing? Why are you driving like that?" We have no idea what people are going through. So just be a friend to people, pray for people, come alongside people. It's what we do here at New Life all the time when people call in to us who are facing just these horrible struggles and situations. Sometimes they're facing them alone. They have no one to turn to, so they turn to us because we've been doing this for 37 years now. People trust us. Maybe they're first-time listeners; they find us on the radio, they're tuning around looking for something and they hear us. So they call in and they get the help that they need. We have so many resources on our website, we've got social media, so many ways that we can help people nowadays. We can help people like Elizabeth and Samantha and Marie, Judy, Renee—these are just some of the people who called us this week here at New Life. It's thanks to your generous financial support of our ministry that we get to help these people. Not just the ones who call in, but the ones who are watching who maybe don't want to call in because they're afraid or they're embarrassed. There's no need to feel afraid or embarrassed. You can call in and talk to us anytime. You can call and talk to our ministry service representatives at 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Thank you so much for supporting the work that we do financially. You can make a gift online at NewLife.com or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE or text NLM to 28950. Small gifts, large gifts, one-time gifts, monthly gifts—they all help what we're doing here at New Life.
Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, visit NewLife.com. Now back to New Life Live.
Brian Perez: Ladies, if betrayal is part of your story, first of all, we are so sorry that you've had to go through that. But we want to let you know about the Restore: Healing After Betrayal intensive. It begins on the 13th of November. This workshop is for you. It's led by counselors who are experts in women's betrayal trauma. Some have been through it themselves. We'll help you break free from mental loops, reclaim your worth, and walk a path toward trusting and healing. You can take a step toward healing by learning more at NewLife.com/Restore, or you can call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE. This is happening in Washington, D.C., the weekend of November 13, so make plans now to join us there for the Restore: Healing After Betrayal intensive. We are here today at New Life Live. We love hearing from you guys on the phone, but we've also got other ways that you can get your questions to us. If you can't call in when we're here in the studio, you can go to NewLife.com/radio to find out what our voicemail number is to leave a voicemail. It's different than the one that we give on the show here, the 1-800-229-3000 number. We've also got a form that you can fill out that will get your question to us. We've got one of those questions here right now. It is from BK, who asks, "Did my mother's constant behavior of leaving the house and ignoring my cries cause buried bitterness and resentment in my heart?" BK says, "I was molested by a family member as a young child while my mother was away from our home. She actually was away quite a lot. There were many instances she would leave and I would run after her in tears because I knew what to expect in her absence. Shortly afterwards is when the molestation would take place. Did this cause the bitterness and resentment to stay with me into adulthood? Now, after becoming a believer in Christ, I forgave my mom, but we never had a great relationship. I struggled to demonstrate a deep love for her. I would always honor her and celebrate holidays with her up into my married life, but there was still a distance. There seems to have been a disconnect. She is no longer with us; she passed away a couple of years ago." So what would you say to BK?
Mark Cameron: Well, I would say BK, absolutely. I think that that's created a deep emotional wound for you. Anytime a parent ignores cries or leaves a child in distress—and let me be clear here too, sometimes parents, in single-parent situations, you may have to leave a child when you want to stay longer because you've got to go to work, you've got to go out and provide. But either way, whether it happens intentionally or unintentionally or whether it's circumstantial, it still creates a wound inside of emotional abandonment, and we carry that with us. That combined with abuse occurring afterwards, it makes a whole lot of sense why you had bitterness and resentment build up here. Now, I find that this happens with a lot of people is that they do say, "Well, I've forgiven my parents. I've forgiven that person." Forgiving someone doesn't necessarily heal the wound inside of you. There's also a difference between decisional forgiveness and emotional forgiveness. We have to decide over and over again, sometimes daily, for a period of time before we feel the emotional forgiveness that follows. So what I would recommend for you, BK, is even though your mom's no longer alive, it doesn't mean that you can't get healing for this. It is to get into therapy to explore this emotional abandonment and also to process through the abuse that you went through. I think it's in doing that, as we talk about these difficult and painful things and to talk about the reality of a situation—as we process things, what happens in our brain is our brain begins to integrate when we can do that in a safe place, and that's how healing then eventually occurs for us.
Dr. Alice Benton: Oh BK, my heart is so heavy for you. Your trauma was complicated, and we only know this one slice of your life. I believe you need your day in court. You have multiple perpetrators. I think you may have experienced God as neglecting you. You haven't mentioned your father. I don't know if he was the abuser or he also was neglectful or absent. The abuser themselves and your mom—all four of these people did not protect you, and you needed protection. It may sound blasphemous for me to add God into that list, but we do have to acknowledge and process if God can intervene and He can stop things and He didn't stop this, then I probably did feel abandoned by Him. I felt like He could have rescued me and He didn't. He could have opened my mom's eyes and He didn't. He could have kept my dad there and He didn't. Being able to be angry at all of those people in a therapeutic setting can help move that forgiveness into the deeper healing that Mark is referring to. There were a couple of people that mistreated me in my life, nowhere near the level of what you went through. But in my therapy sessions, I wrote letters to these people that were never meant to be sent. I read them out loud and I had conversations with an empty chair led by my therapist so that I got to express, I got to have my day in court. I got to be heard when all those people that should have treated me better and didn't, should have rescued me, should have been there for me and they weren't. We need justice. Some of that justice won't come until eternity, but we can at least feel the validation and we can release more of the justified anger and bitterness by going through some of these exercises. When the Bible says that when we allow the sun to go down on our anger, it gives the enemy a foothold, so I'm so glad that you've chosen to forgive her because forgiving does protect you spiritually from that foothold the enemy wants to claim—that you haven't forgiven so he gets to bother you more about this horrific experience, the experiences that you went through. Choosing to forgive puts a sort of a hedge of protection around us and it releases us from that authority the enemy tries to claim if we do not forgive. So all these things that we're suggesting, we really hope you'll take New Life up on letting us set you up with a counselor who's well-trained in walking you through this because you can have more freedom and more peace this side of eternity if you will get into this deeper work.
Mark Cameron: And then just to clarify the heart of what I know that you're saying too, Alice, is that I know that you're not saying that God does abandon us. God doesn't abandon us, but we can still perceive it that way a lot of the times. "God, I cried out to you and you weren't there." The Bible actually models for us that it's okay for us to do this in the Psalms. Some of the Psalms, David cries out to God. There's a whole book called Lamentations. Why is that in the Bible? Because we're lamenting the hurt that has happened to us. We know that God doesn't actually abandon us, but God doesn't necessarily step in in the way that we want Him to step in all the time because we live in a broken world. But He is there for us and He provides healing and being able to do exactly what you're saying, being able to process it, being able to speak out loud those internal thoughts can help us get to healing.
Dr. Alice Benton: It also would be useful, BK, to consider what your mom's brokenness was. Her brokenness doesn't justify how she neglected you, but it does help bring some understanding. I would guess there's been generational trauma and she was also probably a victim of neglect and abandonment and maybe sexual abuse too. Doesn't justify what she did, but it helps put things into perspective of why she might have neglected you so badly.
Brian Perez: BK, thank you so much for reaching out to us through the NewLife.com/radio page. Like I said a little bit ago, there's a voicemail number there. You can leave us a voicemail and we'll try to answer your question at a later date. You can also send us an email, and the way it works is you fill out the form that you'll see there at NewLife.com/radio and that'll get to us. We really would love to hear from you, so please call us if you can next time we're here in the studio. Again, go to NewLife.com/radio. That also shows you the dates and times that we are here in the studio ready to help people like the ones who we have helped all this week here at New Life Live. God bless you guys. Thanks for watching and listening. Thanks for sharing about us with your friends, maybe someone that you'll see at church this coming Sunday. Have a great weekend, a long Labor Day weekend, and we'll be back with you next week here on New Life Live. God bless.
Guest (Male): Thanks so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember, we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to NewLife.com to find out more information. And thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing, and we're so glad that you're here.