New Life LIVE: September 2, 2026

Intro Voice: Welcome to the New Life LIVE podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.
Brian Perez: Whether it's betrayal, boundaries, forgiveness, or grief that you want to talk about today and more, we can do it. We're going to be here for two hours today at New Life LIVE. Welcome. I'm your host, Brian Perez, and we can't wait to hear from you at 1-800-229-3000. We've got Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Dr. Jackie McHarris here. How are you, Jackie?
Jackie McHarris: I'm doing well.
Brian Perez: Good to see you. And we've also got Clinical Psychologist Dr. Alice Benton. How are you, Dr. Alice?
Alice Benton: I'm doing great. Thank you for asking.
Brian Perez: And what's on your mind to start us off?
Alice Benton: Well, I'm wondering, are you taking the proven steps to get better? And if not, why not? A man walked into a psychiatrist's office and he said, "I have just been miserable. I hate my life, and I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. Can you help me?" The psychiatrist said, "Absolutely. I'm glad you're here. Tell me, do you have any trauma in your life?" And the man said, "Yeah, doesn't everybody? But I don't want to talk about it." The psychiatrist said to the man, "Are you a person of faith?" "Yes, I am. I believe in God." "Are you living by your beliefs?" "Well, not entirely, but I don't want to talk about that." The psychiatrist said, "I don't mean to offend you, but I do need to point out, it seems that you're severely overweight. You said you're uncomfortable in your own skin. How are you doing with exercise, with cleaning up your eating? Are you willing for us to talk about that?" "No," the man said, "but I need you to make me feel better." This is such a common approach to our pain and our discomfort, and we're all living with some pain and some discomfort. Sometimes we co-hosts will chuckle when somebody calls in and they say, "I've been listening to you for 20 years. I love you guys!" And we ask, "How great! And let us know, have you been in therapy for the issues you're dealing with?" "Well, no." Why do we all not take the proven steps to get better? God uses pain and discomfort as a way to call our attention to our unfinished business. You've probably heard me say one of my greatest sources of discomfort is my anxiety. And I've used alcohol, because that fixes it. I've used entertainment, because that distracts me. And I've used medication. And there is a time and a place for medication for our discomfort. But when I've asked God, "Lord, will you show me my sins and my hidden faults?" He has revealed to me—and I wasn't always aware of this—He revealed to me that I never chose baptism for myself. I'm a workaholic. I'm fearful, and I've held onto unforgiveness. And I was justified in not forgiving. And He pointed out to me that He offers a way of blessing, and the world and the devil offer a way of curses, a way that will take us into further destruction and discomfort and pain. Granted, when we follow God's way, we're also guaranteed suffering, so it's not like fully aligning with God means no suffering. Not at all. But God has pointed out proven steps that will help us get better. What are we waiting for? Well, the things that have held me back: my own fear, my ignorance. Until I found New Life, I didn't know a lot of the ways to get better. And my pride blinded me. I was kind of successful in life, so I didn't really think that I had those problems that other people had, so I didn't need therapy. I am a psychologist. I know what to do. But I wasn't taking God's proven steps. And maybe one of the biggest reasons: if you've been hurt by people, you don't want to come to people for help. Let us help you identify what is holding you back and why you might not be taking those proven steps that will help you get better.
Brian Perez: Call in. 1-800-229-3000 is our number. We're going to be here for all of this hour and all of next, so can't wait to hear from you.
Promo Voice: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.
Brian Perez: You might have heard us mention the Hope Together conference that's happening in just a few weeks, October 1st through the 3rd, in Allen, Texas. It's also happening online. I'm especially excited because our very own Becky Brown and several members of the New Life team will be part of Hope Together this year. If you've enjoyed New Life LIVE, this is a wonderful opportunity to spend three days learning alongside us and many other outstanding Christian leaders. You can go to hopetogether.com to find out more about it. Again, it's happening in just a few weeks in Allen, Texas, and online. Here's a promo code for you to use to get 20% off the registration. It's NLM20. NLM20 at hopetogether.com. 1-800-229-3000 is our number, and we're going to go to the phones here. Terry, would you mind punching up line one there? It's Isaac in Dallas, Texas, listening on KWRG. Hi there, Isaac.
Isaac: Good afternoon. How are you doing today?
Brian Perez: Doing well. Great to hear from you. What's going on?
Isaac: Well, I am calling in regards to marriage, maturity, and just want your advice to young men this same age. I'm in my mid-20s, and I have several friends that are of my age group. Something that I've noticed is I've found it more and more difficult to find what I would consider as, I guess like Paul said, a man who has left behind childish things. In a world that's drowning with entertainment, video games, fleeting pleasures, it's hard to find a man who has left behind worldly pleasures. A hundred years ago, 18-year-old men were going to war to fight and die. And they still are today, but now, domestically, 18-year-old men, 28-year-old men are still at home playing video games, working a minimum wage job with no hope of like advancing career-wise. I don't say this in judgment. I say this because I found myself in that position at one time. I just want to know what your advice is to men who are wanting to have that frustration, "How do I leave behind entertainment? How do I, in a world drowning with YouTube, Instagram, Netflix, Facebook, all these things that are trying to steal your attention, divide you from focusing on bettering yourself, what advice do you give to a man who wants to prepare for marriage but in a world that's so hostile to biblical maturity? What does it mean to be a man who's left behind childish things? What's your advice to young men?"
Brian Perez: Such a great question, Isaac. It looks like you've come out of this or at least you've noticed this about yourself, so you're trying to get out of it. But then you're also looking to find people maybe so that you can have friends that are not going to be the kind that'll just—not that there's anything wrong with just hanging out, but at the same time, just having deep conversations with people. What would you say, Jackie?
Jackie McHarris: Well, first, I'm really glad that you're asking the question. There is so much going on right now with talk of young men and readiness for marriage, and some having that desire and feeling like they can't find their way. My response is about freedom. I think that we spend a lot of time paying attention to the external forces of the world, and that's what we give our energy to, rather than focusing on ourselves. Since we spend so much time looking at others, there's a lot of comparison and competition going on when really your only competition is yourself. God's given you what you need, but if we're not focused on personal relationship with God, we're more focused on maybe what the big-C church is saying, or what other people are doing, or career advancement, or what's happening in the corporation, or, like you said, entertainment. Those things are taking our energy. I think when we're young, we don't really know who we are. We haven't really figured out our identity. Some would have you to have your identity in whatever the thing is they tell you it should be in. Whether that is your identity is in Christ, your identity is in your career, your identity is in being a husband, your identity is in being a father—whatever someone might think your identity is. But what I sit with people, I ask, "What do you think?" And too often, it's my experience that people aren't thinking about who they are, or who they are becoming, or who it is God is calling them to become, because they are chasing after some ideal: this ideal of what it means to be a godly man, this ideal of what it means to be a godly woman, rather than "God, who are you calling me to be? And what does that look like? What is my next step?" So, I'm a fan of just going with God. If God is opening the door, that's the door I go into. And so, as I look at the world, I don't see great comparisons or great models, as you say, but I also don't see it as all bad. I think that there needs to be some self-leadership here, and that we need to lean in more on our own individual relationships with God. If we are reading scripture—and I mean Genesis to Revelation, not cherry-picking scriptures out of context and deciding if they fit our situation, but literally getting to know this person you claim to be in relationship with—I think will help you see yourself and help you grow into the man God's calling you to be. I think that people are doing all kinds of other things. They are chasing how much money they can make, or what kind of behaviors the people around them have, rather than focusing on what is it that God is telling me to do today, in this moment, and then taking it day by day and just becoming who it is God has called you to become. Because none of us really know until we get there and we're like, "Oh, this is what he meant by 'go there and do that'." Just being open to what God has for you. There's freedom in that, and I find too many people are just bound in their desire to live such a righteous life, they're not living in freedom.
Brian Perez: Why did people know their identity a hundred years ago? Why was it so much easier to figure it out then than it is now?
Jackie McHarris: I don't know that it was. I don't know that it was easier.
Brian Perez: That's true. We're looking back, so it's like 20/20, and we always yearn for the good old days. "I wish we could live in the 50s" or whatever.
Jackie McHarris: There were pretty concrete ideas and rules about what was and wasn't okay, and I think that we have a lot more access to information and we see now that a lot of the things we were told was or wasn't okay, or does or does not exist, actually does. When the pandemic happened and all of us are stuck at home on our tablets or our screens, a lot of us started to see things and do research and learn about things that we'd never heard about before. I think that that has shifted. We have access to information they maybe didn't have easy access to a hundred years ago. And so now we have lots of other options that are actually viable, but had we been told those don't exist? Well, now I see that that wasn't true, so now I have a problem with trust. I think it does make it harder. And there was a concrete, if there was a prescribed, "This is what it means to be a man," and everybody's doing that, everybody in your community is doing it, so you believe this is what it means to be a man. Well, now you can see through looking through the window of the internet and realizing, "Oh, that's actually not true. That's just my little community that everybody has to do it that way." I think that education is freedom. Knowledge is important. We need to be, in all our getting, getting an understanding. I think reading scripture, but also educate yourself. Learn history, learn about different career paths, try different things. A lot of people are very limited. And I don't know that maturity is slowed down. I think our expectation of what it means to be a mature man or a mature woman might be changing.
Alice Benton: Isaac, your question gives me so much hope for the younger generation. And would you tell us, are you still somewhat stuck in gaming, in wasting too much time, or have you found freedom from that already?
Isaac: Still fight that battle. I still find myself stuck.
Alice Benton: Thank you for that honesty. I think what often, almost always, goes hand in hand with that is also pornography use. Do you mind saying if that's part of your issue?
Isaac: I've had that battle in the past, yes.
Alice Benton: Oh, what humility, Isaac! Yes. Isaac, because you can admit you're not totally free of it, I would tell you that recovery groups are the best way to find other young men who want to get better. When I realized I needed other people as well, I started group shopping. Almost everybody I've heard from who tries to find a good group has to work through some not-so-great groups first and has to accept that every single group is going to be imperfect. But if you lay it at God's feet to tell him, "I want to be a better man, God, and I need you to help me find the kind of men that will mentor me, help lead me in that direction." I believe, Isaac, that God wants to eventually get you into a position of leadership too because your eyes have been opened and so many young men are still blind. I think the enemy is entertaining and medicating us into submission, and we are willingly going along with that. But you are no longer willing to go along with it. So, I would say that even though you may have come out of the use of pornography, our Every Man's Battle intensive is exactly the kind of place where men want to become warriors rather than couch potatoes, and they are willing to do the very hard work to get there. I find that churches have life groups, they have sexual freedom groups as well. We have our New Life recovery groups, so I recommend you start with us because we know this path. It's a well-worn path here at New Life. And God may be asking you to offer to start a New Life group, a recovery group in your community, and we actually equip people to do that, and you don't have to be perfect to start a group. You just have to be willing.
Brian Perez: Love that. Isaac, thank you so much for calling in today to New Life LIVE. And just really quick with what you said, Alice, you may not find—it's not a one-and-done when you go to find a group. You might go, try it out for a few weeks or whatever, and if it doesn't quite work, it's okay. You're not going to hurt anyone's feelings if you go find another group.
Alice Benton: And the key is to try it for a little while before you make that decision. Don't just go once. Because honestly, I think the enemy wants to stop us when we're finally willing to get the help. So he's going to throw everything at us: "These people aren't like me. They're so much worse than me. They can't relate. They can't help me." These are the common things we almost always hear when someone attempts a group. So don't let him stop you with that. Try a couple times first before you move to another group.
Jackie McHarris: And you mentioned not hurting anybody's feelings. It might, right? Like you join a group and you go for a few weeks and you decide this isn't the right fit for me, somebody's feelings might be hurt that you choose a different group. But that's okay, because you're choosing what's going to work for you for your healing. Sometimes we get so caught up on taking care of other people that we abandon ourselves. And someone's feelings being hurt is something that we can make amends for, we can make a repair, we can have hurt feelings for them, we can try to comfort or validate them. But we've got to stop limiting our own lives because we're trying to please everybody else or trying not to hurt other people's feelings, because feelings are fleeting sometimes. It's okay. They're valid, they matter, but even if it does make someone sad that you found a different group that was a better fit for you, you still do that because that's what works for you.
Brian Perez: Isaac, thanks for your phone call. We have a tip sheet that we want to send you, so stay on the phone. It's called "10 Tips for Finding Friends." It's about loneliness and isolation, and you might feel that way because here you are in your mid-20s, you're trying to stand out from the world, go against the flow, you could say, and trying to find other like-minded people. And it might be difficult when everybody's going the other way. But you know what? Those people are out there. You will find them. You just got to keep looking, and it'll be worth it, I think. So thanks for calling in today to New Life LIVE at 1-800-229-3000. My name is Brian Perez. I'm here with Doctors Jackie McHarris and Alice Benton. We're going to be here for two hours, and we can't wait to hear from you to discuss whatever it is you're going through. We've already had one great phone call. How many more are we going to get? How many more are we going to get these next two hours? Yours is one of them, so call in, get on the bench here at 1-800-229-3000. I see Susan and Timothy, you guys will be up first, so stay where you are. And then everyone else, get in line. We want to talk to you. 1-800-229-3000 is the number. You can also call in if you're watching us right now on Facebook or YouTube. The number is right there on the bottom of the screen, so call in. Can't wait.
Promo Voice: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, visit newlife.com. Now back to New Life LIVE.
Brian Perez: 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call us today. We've got Jackie and Alice here in the studio, and look, we're joined by Becky Brown, the President of New Life Ministries. What's going on, Becky?
Becky Brown: Listen, I've been listening to the program like I always do, and I'm just encouraged by everything that we learn. I mean, if you've been listening to New Life for long enough, you have learned some things that we help you not only be better but do better, and to take that next step. And what you just, both of you just offered to Isaac as encouragement in this journey. We've got stories like that for years and years and years, and I'm coming today to encourage our listeners to support New Life, to help us continue to get the word out about the hope that there is for a new life. And if New Life has helped you or somebody you love, would you consider giving something to the ministry to help us continue to go on? I think about Jim's testimony that says, "I truly treasure the wisdom I gain from listening to New Life LIVE on Sirius XM and YouTube. I'm not the person I was five years ago, or even two years ago. Not only am I a better father, husband, and friend, but my relationship with Jesus has deepened." So would you take a moment today, just like I am doing right now to get on here and encourage you? Take a moment and help support New Life. You can go to newlife.com, click "Give," and your gift, whatever the amount, every part of the whole helps us do what we're doing each and every day. Now I don't want to take up any more time because I know we got calls waiting, and if you need help, you know that New Life has been here for you and will continue to be here. And thanks in advance.
Brian Perez: All right, Becky, great hearing from you. So yeah, go to newlife.com and click "Give." You can also call 1-800-NEW-LIFE or text NLM to 28950 to make a gift. It can be a small gift, large gift, one-time gift, monthly gift. We call those our 99 for the 1 partners. And look, we've got one 99 for the 1 partner on the phone right now. It's Susan in Pensacola, Florida, listening on WEGS. Hi there, Susan. Welcome to New Life LIVE.
Susan: Hey, thank you.
Brian Perez: You're welcome. What's going on?
Susan: Well, I'm calling today to ask the question: how can my siblings and I best help our baby sister who is really struggling, has been struggling for a number of years? My sisters and I—I have three younger sisters and two brothers, but my younger sisters and I all experienced sexual trauma at the hand of our older brother when we were growing up. And it all came to light about six years ago. None of us had ever talked about it. We thought it was only us; we didn't realize that the other sisters had experienced it. Anyway, much has happened since then. Two of my sisters and I have forgiven my brother, we confronted him. But our baby sister has not; she cannot let go of that. And that has become the thing that she holds onto for just staying stuck in such a terrible place in her life. She has zero friends. She sabotages every relationship she has. She pushes the rest of us away repeatedly with cruelty. My heart breaks for her. She no longer works, she's on disability. We believe she's a hypochondriac and has come up with many reasons why she can't work. But she lives with my aging dad, and he pretty much supports her. And we would just like to help her. It breaks my heart and all of our hearts to see the way that she is. So I'm just hoping maybe you can offer some suggestions.
Alice Benton: Susan, what a nightmare you all lived through. Your older brother sexually abused every one of his sisters.
Susan: Yes. I was the only one who went to my parents. It only happened to me once. I was probably in maybe sixth grade, and when it happened, I immediately went to my parents, to my mother, and she said, "I will take care of this." And so we never spoke of it again ever. My mom died 25 years ago. We never spoke of it again. But I assumed that she handled it; it never happened to me again. But then when it came to light six years ago because he abused a woman, a young woman, a college student that was a friend of my niece's, and she told, and so it came out. And all of us were shocked. My sisters' experience was way worse than I did. But again, they thought it was just them, they never told. And so yeah, it's been hard. But like I said, I'm past it. I have forgiven my brother, so have two of my sisters. But our baby sister just, she stays in just a place of self-destruction, really. Unforgiveness.
Alice Benton: And I appreciate that you want to help your sister get free of the burden because you have experienced freedom. Were the authorities ever involved and was justice ever enacted against your brother, even with this college student?
Susan: No. The girl decided not to report it. But and no one else told. I guess we were kind of torn: should we, should we not? And just I guess out of love and sympathy for our brother, we didn't report.
Alice Benton: I'm going to say something difficult to you because I think it's the best way to help your sister. I think some of you have unintentionally minimized how horrific this is, how many victims there are, and how many more victims there might be. And your brother has gotten away with it. Now, it's good to forgive. It's good for you that you have forgiven, and I agree that that will help your sister eventually. But there may need to be more justice first. Consequences for the perpetrator. As ugly as that is, he's your brother. So I want you to consider that over the break. We'll talk about it on the other side.
Brian Perez: Susan, hang on.
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Brian Perez: So back to Susan in Pensacola. And what do you think of what Dr. Alice just said, Susan, right before the break?
Susan: I think there is definitely validity in that. I know that Dr. Benton says that my brother has gotten away with it, he hasn't suffered consequences. He actually has suffered consequences as far as our family goes. He has never been allowed again to be at any family gathering. Many nieces and nephews have been born, many weddings have been had, and he is excluded.
Alice Benton: Susan, Susan, he needs to be in prison. He has not suffered consequences. And the family has been able to kind of keep it all under wraps. The consequences would have prevented what happened to that young woman. And you all are not his only victims. A perpetrator of this magnitude doesn't stop. Now, I hope and pray that I'm wrong about that, but research, evidence, our experience tells us I'm probably not. And you're a victim here too, Susan. We feel for you. But if there is forgiveness and there are no legal consequences for this, it's not likely that your brother is getting the healing that he needs.
Jackie McHarris: And Jackie brought up during the break, we wonder what happened to your brother. Who victimized your brother? Because someone that perpetrates like this is almost always perpetrated against. And so we have this family secret, right? And now we've got the identified patient as your sister who is being self-destructive and won't move past it and can't take care of herself. And sometimes we say, "What happened to you?" not "What's wrong with you?" We already know what happened to her. And then it happened in a place where I should be kept safe. You told your mom, and your mom said she took care of it. And then you learn, six years ago, that while it may have stopped for you, it did not stop his behavior because the way he harmed your sisters was even far worse. It continued for them. But the position today is we're trying to help our sister stop living under her trauma responses, basically. And I would say you guys are doing her more harm. It's victimizing the victim. She doesn't owe him her healing. She owes it to herself, true, and I absolutely hope she gets healthy, gets healing. But the family looking to her to soothe everybody by saying, "I'm healed, I'm better, I'll do better," does not put the onus of this trauma where it belongs.
Alice Benton: Susan, we really care about you and what all of you have been through. And I think there's been a family message of "Get over it, let it go." And you still have that message in your speaking, and you're speaking it. She should let it go. But the problem hasn't been taken care of yet. And we hear of this in, like, think about historically, we've heard of churches where they just, they move the perpetrator off to another church. They quietly reassign them. That is what the family did, and it just perpetuated that further harm to now go outside of the family. That you know of, that time with that college student. But we have no idea what other harm he had been doing over the years he was assaulting you and your sisters, or what he has done since. And yet he has the freedom to continue to go on and do that, and your sister can't get her head right because of the damage that sexual trauma does. It literally creates a type of traumatic brain injury in a child's mind. And so, yes, she needs help and she needs care and she needs treatment, but she also needs understanding that what happened to her should never have happened. The moral failing wasn't on her, but she has to live with it. And the ask to let it go is also hurtful and offensive, and I would imagine makes her feel very alone.
Alice Benton: Now, I would think our answer might be really disturbing for you. All you want to do is help, and we're kind of coming at it like, "Rah! There's all these other things that need to be done." You might be angry, you might be scared by what we have said. I would be if I were in your shoes. How are you doing with our reaction?
Susan: So, I'm taking notes because I plan to reach out to my other siblings after we finish this call. But I'm not angry about what you're saying; I know what you're saying is true. But it does scare me because if I have a responsibility suddenly to do something that could really hurt my brother and his family—yeah, I don't know about that.
Alice Benton: Your brother has a family? He has children?
Susan: Yes. He has a wife and two daughters.
Alice Benton: It is so likely that he has abused them too. It's so likely. So, six years ago when this came out and my two of my sisters and I traveled to where he lives to confront him, we confronted his wife about it too. And then she actually talked to her two daughters to make sure that he hadn't done anything to them because we also suspected that maybe that could have happened because they just have some idiosyncrasies and we just wondered about that. They swore that it hasn't. So the wife is very aware. I have asked him for years to please go to Every Man's Battle, that I know that he has a sexual addiction. He blames it just on his alcohol use. We've begged him to go into counseling. He says he's fine, he doesn't need it, he doesn't do those things anymore.
Alice Benton: So Susan, your answers are telling us he's in denial. And he might be what we call a dry drunk. He may have stopped, but these kind of behaviors, they do not stop without—sometimes without jail time, prison time, and then major intense therapeutic help. And if he's not willing to get help, it means he's not willing to become a safe man. And asking those girls, that was good and right to do, but it's very frequent that abusers, especially of fathers to daughters, make threats of what he'll do to their mom, what he'll do to them, if they ever tell. These idiosyncrasies you see in them, it means something. And so asking them is not enough.
Jackie McHarris: And it also gets twisted in the child's mind. This is their father who loves them, who makes them feel good, who loves them, who cares for them. And so they may not be able to answer honestly at this point. But I find it interesting that he's not willing to go get help and yet we expect the sister to go get help for what he did to her. Right? We're putting all this energy into her going and getting—which she should, for herself, for her own self. But no demand from the people he perpetrated against that he go do something.
Alice Benton: Susan, a person who's this dangerous—and that's what your brother is, he is dangerous, he's a sexual predator—if a person like that won't go to get help themselves, it has to be forced on them by a higher authority. And if they still won't get help, in his case, I still do think he needs to be in prison because he needs to be stopped, and he's not taking the steps to stop himself. And even if he's not currently abusing anybody, which is not likely, he's not taking the steps to become a safe man. So I know that the thought of you taking a next step to involve the authorities—of course it's overwhelming and it's absolutely going to be disruptive to the entire family. The disruption is already alive and insidious in your family through the sexual trauma that has not received the necessary justice. Please let us connect you with a counselor who will walk you through, "Now what do I do? And how do I get the courage to make this call, to disrupt my family like this?" Truth is a disruptor, but truth and reality are also our friend, and allowing justice to take place, as difficult as it will be, it will protect the innocent people and it will get the sick—your brother is sick—it will get the sick people the treatment they're not willing to get on their own.
Jackie McHarris: I'm sure you've heard some story in the news at some point about, you know, they walked into some big professional's house and took his computer and found hundreds of thousands of files of whatever. These are the people who do that, right? They—it's hidden, and so it's like, "Oh no, nothing bad is happening. I've got it all under control." No, you don't. You don't. Otherwise we wouldn't still be having this conversation because you would have—you'd be out, you'd be talking about it, you'd own it, we'd know that there was work being done. But the secretive way in which he is going about maintaining his secret and his sin just sounds a lot like someone who is continuing to use.
Alice Benton: You might let your sister watch the show, watch this show and our response to it. I think she'll be shocked, and I think she will feel like, "Oh, truth is starting to be told. People are standing up." In addition to the good things you've already done. You've taken some good steps. She needs to know she's going to be protected and the perpetrator is going to be stopped.
Brian Perez: All right, you guys watching and listening. Pray for Susan, pray for her family and her little sister. I mean, we hear stories like this all the time, but we never get used to them. We're going to be here for another hour. Keep calling in to New Life LIVE.
Promo Voice: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, visit newlife.com. Now back to New Life LIVE.
Brian Perez: New Life is committed to strengthening and restoring marriages through the Intimacy in Marriage weekend. This intensive is different from other help because of the deep work that licensed therapists lead couples through in breakout sessions. Many have equated it to months of therapy. Listen to what a pastor shared after attending: "This is an absolute must for every marriage, no matter what stage you are in your marriage. We all need to be emptied out, healed, and to draw closer in our marriage. New Life's Intimacy in Marriage workshop provides the tools, resources, and counseling needed to get more equipped. I highly recommend it." Well, thank you, Pastor. The next workshop is happening the weekend of September 25th in Dallas, Texas. You can find out more about it and register at newlife.com. We also have a discount if you register by next Friday, the 11th. So do that at newlife.com or you can call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Back to the phones. Here is Serena in Savannah, Georgia. She listens to us on the New Life app. Hey there, Serena. Thanks for calling in today.
Serena: Hi. Thank you so much for taking my call. And I appreciate all the help that you're giving so many—monthly donor, and I wouldn't think of doing anything except supporting New Life. So thank you so much.
Brian Perez: That's really our lifeblood, Serena. People like you. Thank you. We need you. How can we help you today?
Serena: Well, my question is, what is, in your opinion, a better strategy to approach a situation with my stepdaughter that seems to be reoccurring? She seems to be developing a little bit of a pattern that's not helpful to my husband or I. So she really likes to eat out a lot. We don't eat out as much. But when we're out and about, she just has a way of suggesting that we go somewhere, and then she kind of steps back and just has that expectation, it seems, that we should be paying for that. We've talked a lot with her and her sister. She's 22, her sister's 19, and her sister often copies her behaviors. We've talked a lot with them about our budget and our situation. Right now we have a massive tax bill that we owe, and we're working diligently to pay that tax bill. We haven't told that particular daughter that basically the tax bill is because of her college tuition and some things that we had to encounter to deal with the balance for her college education. So we don't want her to feel guilty about that. But by the same token, I'm starting to feel taken advantage of when we're out and she's just kind of saying, "Let's go here to eat," and she thinks we're going to pay for it. Or she plans for her friends to be added to like a family dinner she's having out at a restaurant.
Jackie McHarris: Oh, Serena, you just woke me up! I felt the trigger. All right, let me jump in there. Shame about her tuition. As an adult, there are certain things we have to deal with. But we don't know those things exist if we don't encounter them. I think it would be beneficial for her to understand what has happened. You guys took on paying for college tuition apparently—that's beautiful. But as the person going to college, she has some responsibility in that. And so I would suggest that she be a part of that conversation because part of her contributing to—you guys aren't asking her to pay for it, but she does need to get out of your pockets because you guys have enough to deal with right now. But she's not just doing that out of the goodness of her heart, and she doesn't have the information you have. She is a grown woman. It is okay for you to tell her what is going on. This isn't like she's a 12-year-old and you don't want her to feel bad because she's getting to do cheer and that's going to cost you guys and you really can't afford it. This isn't that. This is: she is a grown woman who has a college education, and part of paying for that education has landed you guys in some financial debt. She needs that information so that she stops putting herself and you all in situations where she just has this expectation that you're going to spend extra money. And just be direct, and be direct in front of her friends. "Oh, let's stop at so-and-so to get lunch." "Do you all have lunch money? Because I am not prepared to take everybody out to dinner or to lunch right now." And it might be uncomfortable. There might be some shame in it on your side. But I would get real comfortable with, "Sure, I'll drive you guys over there, but I've got food at home already made." Like, what do we used to say as little kids? "There's spaghetti in there." Like, it's spaghetti in there! What do you mean we're going to McDonald's? We're not going to McDonald's. And at 19 and 22 years old, they are absolutely old enough to hear this, and it's the time for them to start learning it. Their prefrontal cortex is going to lock in in the next four or five years. Hold on! They will be adults soon. But in the meantime, you still get to teach them some things. And I think that this is something she needs to become a part of.
Alice Benton: Serena, as the stepmom, you've about the hardest position any family member could possibly have because you have the awareness and the concern, but you have limited influence, power, and authority over a stepdaughter of this age. So fill in a little information for us. How old was she when you and her dad got married?
Serena: She was 15.
Alice Benton: And does your husband share your concern and does he have the strength to decline to pay for her?
Serena: Normally what happens with the girls is they catch him off guard when it comes to financial things. My background is in finance and accounting, so there's a big difference too: you see money differently. I'm attuned and I have a budget, have always had one ever since my first job. So, at the restaurant, I was trying to pull back because of course she had extra friends there, which we normally were just having a family dinner at her birthday—it's called a family dinner, there are five of us. But I happened to ask, "So, how many people did you make a reservation for?" She didn't tell me this. She said, "Oh, there's seven people that are going to be there." And so the other people, of course, they're adults, so they can order alcohol. And so I thought, "Okay, this doesn't really work for me because I'm on a budget." So I didn't say it out loud, but my husband and I talked about it before we went and I said, "So what are we supposed to do?"
Brian Perez: Well, I hate to interrupt but we are running out of time. So what are some final thoughts?
Alice Benton: You gave some really clear examples. So I would say this is a bigger, deeper issue than just what do you do in the moment. And it may entail couples therapy to get you and your husband on the same page and to help get him strengthened up enough that he can address this well. Because I think he's really the one that needs to speak into his daughter's behavior. It also—we need to take into account there's probably trauma in their past. In step-families, there's loss, there's confusion. And a parent can feel guilty and want to assuage that guilt by spending too much on children. So it's all those things in addition to what Jackie said: having that conversation before you're at a restaurant the next time. "This is our limited budget, this is why, this is what we're able to provide for you."
Brian Perez: Maybe you can pick from the value menu and that's about it. I don't know. Serena, thanks for calling us. We're going to take a short break. We'll be back with more of your calls.
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