New Life LIVE: July 20, 2026

Brian Perez: The phone lines are going to be open for two hours today. We can't wait to hear from you here on New Life LIVE. I'm your host Brian Perez. 1-800-229-3000 is our number, and here with you today we've got clinical psychologist Dr. Alice Benton and licensed professional clinical counselor Becky Brown, who is also the president of New Life Ministries. Ladies, it's always great to be on with you. Becky, what's on your mind to start us off?
Becky Brown: Well, I'm glad you asked, but my response to that is: what is on your mind, listener? Every day we answer calls, we hear what's on your mind, and we hear about personal struggles, relationships, some addiction struggles. But if you're anything like me, I start to look for answers when I'm in a troubled spot, and that's why you call us, and we're so grateful that you do. But it also sometimes feels like it takes so long for things to change, doesn't it? Or maybe that's just me. Maybe that's just in my life it takes a long time. There are many times it just doesn't happen as quickly as we want it to. The Apostle Paul writes this in Philippians 4, from prison, might I remind you. He says, "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He's done. Then you'll experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and your minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing: fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right and pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you have learned and received from me—everything you've heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you." So, what's imprisoning you? Is it debt? Is it an unhealthy marriage? Is it confusion? Maybe it's a family situation that just won't change. What we do here at New Life is needed. This world feels a little confused, maybe a lot. Feels a little crazy, maybe a lot. And maybe that's just the world that you see on the news. I think about what we see on the headlines, and then we compare it to what's going on inside of our own little homes where maybe you haven't talked to that family member in a long time. Maybe you can't get along with your spouse and you've tried everything under the sun. If you're listening and you've been helped by something that we've said—and I'm pretty confident that we have helped you somewhere along the lines—would you make a gift today? I know that seems so strange of a turn, but the world needs the light and the life that God has for them. Here at New Life, we've been doing this for close to 40 years, where we answer your call, we hear what the struggle is, and we might give you one or two steps towards what the solution could be. Or we direct you to a connection where you could make a commitment to attend a group or to go to a counselor and you start the process. None of those things happen without someone giving. But it also takes you stepping in that space where you say, "Okay, I'm going to fix my thoughts, I'm going to take the next step." It may be today that you're going to call us, 1-800-229-3000, and you're going to ask the question that's on your heart and on your mind. And with that, I want to just give you this short little prayer: "God, calm my mind and steady my heart. Take the weight I'm carrying and replace it with Your peace. Guide me, strengthen me, and quiet my worries." I'm not even in prison, and I can pray that and know that God will be faithful. Today may be the day that you take the step into trusting God with whatever is going on in your life. But it could be you start with a phone call to us, right, Brian?
Brian Perez: Calm my mind and then call New Life. 1-800-229-3000. For over 30 years, Covenant Hills has helped men and women find lasting freedom from addiction through Christ-centered, clinically excellent care. With gender-specific programs, they offer residential treatment, day treatment, and ongoing support that heals the whole person: body, mind, and spirit. If you or someone you love is struggling, call Covenant Hills at 800-NO-ABUSE. That's 800-662-2873. You can also visit the Covenant Hills website, covhills.com. This is New Life LIVE, I'm Brian Perez, here with Dr. Alice Benton and Becky Brown. 1-800-229-3000 is our number. Becky was mentioning if you wanted to make a financial gift to New Life, and the way to do that is on our website, newlife.com. You can also call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE or text NLM, as in New Life Ministries, to 28950. All right, let's go to the phones now. The first of many people that we're going to be helping today is April in Charlotte, North Carolina, who was referred to us by a friend. Hi there, April. How are you today?
April: Hello, I'm good. Thank you for taking my call.
Brian Perez: You bet, and thank your friend on our behalf for referring you to us. What's going on?
April: Currently, I have a new estrangement with my daughter and her husband with my husband and myself. We're looking basically to try to find some family counseling. I'm in search of family counseling, but they're in Wisconsin and we're actually in South Carolina just over the line from Charlotte. It's like trying to find a unicorn, a family counselor that's licensed in both states.
Becky Brown: April, what have you done before looking for a counselor? What happened with the estrangement?
April: We went to see their new baby and there were a lot of boundaries that were set up beforehand. I want to be pithy, but we were doing our best to abide by these very general boundaries that were confusing. Prior to, we had a phone call about what to expect when the baby comes. That's what we thought the call was going to be about, but it turned into that they thought we weren't excited about the pregnancy and that we hadn't visited them enough when they lived close by, which really threw us for a loop. We thought we were going to have this call about expectations moving forward. That set the stage. Then they set the boundaries for us, which were they don't want to talk about politics, which is very understandable in this day and age. We didn't really have any big blowouts about politics, but there were some things that went on after Charlie Kirk's assassination. So I think that led up to that. Also, they didn't want to have "body talk" conversations, which I was trying to understand where that came from, and then a boundary about food choices. None of it made sense to me. And then just all these very strict rules when they came. When we got there, I noticed that the rules had changed, or they had loosened their own rules, or they were breaking their own rules. The final straw for me is we got there, the baby's like two and a half weeks old, and I went to kiss him, and she said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you, we don't want you kissing the baby." It just—I did not handle it well. I handed her back the baby and I said, "I can't do this anymore." I asked my husband if we could just leave because the anxiety of trying to meet all of these rules and expectations just was overwhelming for me at that point. Kissing the baby was just taking me over the edge.
Becky Brown: Can I ask one more question? This is your daughter, April?
April: This is my daughter, yes.
Becky Brown: So what's the history there? Before the baby came, how was your relationship with your daughter?
April: From my perspective, I think it's fine. She has said in the past, and that happened on the call prior to us visiting when she said that she didn't think we were excited about the pregnancy, which surprised us because I had sent her several gifts and we had talked to them several times. But she has mentioned something about not feeling close. She's mentioned that in the past when she went off to college; she said, "I don't feel close to you anymore." This is the conundrum I feel like I'm in. She's wanting a closer relationship with me, I feel like I'm trying to give her that, but she has a lot of controlling issues with herself. She wants everything a certain way, and so that makes it hard to navigate. Things that I would normally think a mother-daughter would maybe have conversations about, she thinks is odd for me. To be honest, when she got pregnant I said, "Oh, well, how long were you trying?" That was a very weird question for me as a mother to ask in her opinion, which I thought that was odd because I would talk about stuff like that with my mom. That's just an example that I find hard. She acts like she wants us to be closer, but then the things that I think would build intimacy, she sets a lot of rules and boundaries around. So that's where I'm struggling.
Brian Perez: She sounds difficult to please and communicating with her is walking on thin ice. You just don't know when the ice is so thin that it's really going to cause a problem with her. Does that fit for your experience of her, at least as an adult?
April: Yes, and I think he's just maybe the same, in my opinion. The other thing I would add is she's going back to school for counseling. She works full-time, she's going back to school for counseling, so she's three years into a counseling program. The problem is they've set these boundaries, which I feel like aren't very clear boundaries, and when we've asked if you can explain why you set those boundaries and can you maybe explain better the parameters of these boundaries so that we don't misstep, they've said they don't want to talk about why they've set them, at least for now, and they don't want to have a conversation. My problem is, I don't want to move forward in this relationship if you can't explain to me maybe why you set these boundaries. Did I do something wrong that you feel like you needed to set these boundaries? Or what are the parameters of the boundaries?
Becky Brown: April, I think we get a picture of it. From somebody who's a grandma and I've got all the extended people like you're talking about, here's one last question. Alice, I think we understand what's happening here. But my question to you, April, is if your expectation is for her to have a relationship with you like you did with your mom, that may not be the best way to go about it.
April: Oh, I know. I don't expect that at all, just to be clear. I don't think that, and that's not what I'm hoping for. I think I just don't understand how to meet her expectations.
Dr. Alice Benton: I'd have you, April, wonder about attachment styles. What might be your daughter's attachment style? What might yours be? There is a reactivity within both you and your daughter that once you're hurt to a certain point, you each might make a strong statement or you might suddenly pull away. You humbly shared about that: that kissing the baby comment, that was just over the top, you had to walk away from that, you had to take a break from her. There is something there that's actually pretty empowering. If you can think back in your life to the times that you were reactive to something she did that was hurtful to you, it may be that in your attachment styles, it perhaps has been difficult to address problems until they become overwhelming, and then you two might say something a little more extreme to each other. It's hurtful, and then there's got to be a break in the relationship. What I'm saying might be an exaggeration; that may not fit all the time. But some of that reminds me of a vacillator style: that when we're so hurt, the very thing we're asking for and we want, we push it away. A really clear example of this is a baby that's crying, its mother picks it up to love on, and the baby slaps the mom and pushes her away. It even gets hard to hold the baby when that's exactly what she needs. Some of that might be happening between you and your daughter. These strange "no body talk," "no food choices talk" makes me curious. I would wonder if your daughter perhaps struggled with some body image issues and hyper-controlling her food intake, or possibly bulimia, or was she overweight? As a mother, maybe you had legitimate health concerns and tried to address that with her, but she took it in a hurtful way.
April: These are all newer issues. She never had any of that body image stuff. I think that's more maybe coming from pregnancy stuff. I don't really know. I will say one more thing. Prior to us visiting, I had gone up to a baby shower and I just felt like something was off. I couldn't put my finger on it, I just felt like I could read that something felt off. When I got home, I had called her and I said, "Is everything okay? Is everything okay with your husband, with me and him?" She said everything is fine. Really, it wasn't fine. I feel like I do try to be proactive when I sense something is off, and she had an opportunity at that point to address it and she chose not to, but then later, right before she gave birth, then she admitted that she felt like we weren't happy, that she felt a distance. That was the part that I struggle with, especially with her going back to school to be a counselor, that she wouldn't have addressed that with me.
Dr. Alice Benton: You've set up these opportunities for her to be honest with you, but she struggles to take them. So what I'd have you look at during the time of disconnect is: what's your attachment style? Where do you have room to grow so that you feel like a safe person to her on a very consistent basis? You've probably already done some of this, but a willingness to perhaps write a letter to her about your reaction to her saying "don't kiss my baby." Look for the way your reactivity hurt her then, and in the past did your reactivity ever hurt her previously? Parental humility is where you have power, where you have strength, and it's the most likely thing to make coming back into relationship with you attractive to her. As to the question about how do you find a therapist that's licensed in both states: very difficult. But coaches tend to be able to work across the United States and aren't limited by state licensing, and we happen to have a network of coaches. We can look into our network to find someone who would be able to help facilitate family counseling. That's a great idea that you had.
Becky Brown: I would say, too, April, maybe start with your own work first. I understand this is so painful. We all had a reaction to what you said about kissing the baby. I don't know how many other grandbabies you have or how many other siblings the daughter has, but this feels like the crack in the family and I feel your pain. What I want for you is to be able to stay in relationship. As our kids go and do their own thing—you've referenced a little bit about her doing her counseling training—the tricky part there is if you're having a conflict with her and then you're judging her choice of career, that's going to come out in a conversation with her even underneath. I just want you to get some clarity for you, April, so that you can be present. I know this isn't what you wanted, I know that you have the best intentions. I hear that. I know that some of this is very odd when you think about the baby issue or just having to call with boundary issues where there's not been a precedent of breaking boundaries earlier. It's very confusing. As you do your own work in understanding what the triggers are here, how can I show up as the best way that I can, and also what do I do with my disappointment when it doesn't go the way that I think it's going to go? It's hard, but we will connect you with whether it's a coach or a counselor. Just hold on and we'll get somebody to do that for you.
Dr. Alice Benton: I think when we go into learning about counseling work and we maybe realize I haven't been as honest as I should have been, and we start to work on sharing more honesty with family members, we can be pretty clumsy at it at first. April, try to look for the good in your daughter trying to open up and wade through the clumsy stage. She probably will get better at it as she learns more.
Brian Perez: April, thanks for calling in today to New Life LIVE. We also recommend the book *Understanding Your Attachment Style*; it's in the newlife.com store. Stay on the phone and we'll connect you with a coach or counselor in your area or in your daughter's area. Thank you so much for your phone call. 1-800-229-3000 is the number that you can call us today, and we're going to be in the studio for the rest of this hour and all of next, so call in. Is April still on the line? She is, good, because we want to send you a registration for an upcoming webinar that we're going to be doing called "Doing Life with Your Adult Children." We always talk about that book by our friend Dr. Jim Burns. We've got a webinar coming up in a couple of months. April, you're going to be one of the first ones registered. Everyone else, you can register by going to our website, newlife.com, or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Let's talk now to Sally in Denver, Colorado, listening on KRKS. Welcome, Sally, to New Life LIVE. Thank you for calling 1-800-229-3000.
Sally: Of course. I called because I would like to know how to talk to my husband about a lot of distractions, including pornography, to avoid doing hard things in his life.
Brian Perez: What kind of hard things? What do you mean?
Sally: Like some of the responsibilities. He's been working on getting a new job now—well, he has his own business. He needs to get a different job for us because we're older. Instead of doing the hard work to get a new job, he's easily distracted by TV or over the years, I can probably count on two hands the times he's looked at pornography. That's according to what he's told me. Watching TV, watching sports, avoiding what he needs to be doing.
Becky Brown: How long have you been married, Sally?
Sally: 36 years.
Becky Brown: And how long has this been a problem?
Sally: Our entire marriage.
Dr. Alice Benton: Sally, how have you attempted to address this with him before, and how has he responded?
Sally: Over the years, I've been very forgiving, probably a little too passive. Three years ago, I walked in on him watching something, and I kind of flipped my lid. Understandably, I left for five days and just told him I was somewhere safe. But I insisted he talk to his best friend, a counselor, and tell one of our pastors at church. With a lot of prompting, he did all that. He did try a men's group at church; he does still meet with his best friend. But it's pretty much him trying to read books and do it on his own to overcome. I don't think he sees the pornography as a big problem. His dad died when he was 12, and I think there's a wound there. He's seen counselors, but he can't seem to get past that initial—he'll do something for a while and then get back into cycles of watching TV instead of doing what he needs to be doing.
Brian Perez: Zoning out or numbing out. And he's not currently seeing a counselor, although he has off and on? How long ago was the last time you brought your concern to his attention?
Sally: This weekend. He's diving into *How to Get Out of Your Head* again and his devotions, and he knows what he needs to do. I'm just concerned because you guys were just talking about attachment styles. I don't want to be one of these women that after 40 years of marriage says, "Okay, it's not working."
Becky Brown: Sally, would you consider making a drastic move, and you and your husband join us this weekend in Washington, DC for "Intimacy in Marriage"? You have spent a lot of time and money doing a lot of things, and I can tell you without any hesitation: it's not enough. You know that. The two of you can help each other. This is what we teach at "Intimacy in Marriage." It's not about problem-solving; it's really understanding how the two of you can help each other with these things. His numbing out is his coping mechanism, and it works, that's why he does it. Then he's got the willingness, so he'll start, he'll pick up a book, he'll go call somebody. You're not the only one, Sally, where this happens in a marriage, and it's not just the husband. This is the coping skill that he learned when this big trauma started. I know that there's been other things that have gone on in his life as well. I just want to ask you: would you be willing to take a big risk?
Sally: Yes, I would. I was wondering if "Every Man's Battle" beginning of August in Dallas is the step to take, but it sounds like you think it's more an intimacy...
Becky Brown: It's both of them, Sally, but the first step I think for the two of you—you just said the reason why I picked up on that was because you said "I don't want to be those people." We don't want you to be those people either, and we've seen how we can help each other. And "Every Man's Battle" may be his next step, but I think that you just had this conversation, you've had this conversation many times. Let's step into what really can make a huge difference in the future. Because you both may be avoiders. Getting you both equipped will serve you better. But you're right, he needs "Every Man's Battle" too. "Every Man's Battle," "Intimacy in Marriage," they're all coming up. You can find out more about them at newlife.com. We'll be back.
Brian Perez: We told you about "Intimacy in Marriage" and "Every Man's Battle" just before the break, and we've got something else going on in just a few weeks. It's something new, it's a virtual gathering. It is called "Rescue: Your First Step Toward Healing." It's happening on Saturday, August 1st, from 10:00 AM to 2:00 PM Central Time, and it's led by our friend Laura Mangin McDonald. It was created for women who have never taken the first step toward their own healing after betrayal. It will help you find your footing again. Many women are carrying confusion, grief, fear, anxiety, and isolation after discovering sexual betrayal, pornography, or broken trust in their marriage. And often they're trying to carry it all alone. Imagine spending just a few hours with women who actually understand what you're carrying. Becky, I think this is going to be such a life-changing day for women, and it's coming up in less than two weeks.
Becky Brown: I agree. Just a few hours in a day will change the trajectory. Many of you women are struggling in silence, and this is your invitation just to take a look at what is possible. We know we've helped so many women over the years find that freedom, and so many times they say, "I don't want to go because it's his problem. I don't want to look at what I need to do to help me." You didn't cause whatever he's doing, but it has impacted you. So we want to help you get the healing that you need so that you can make great strides in your life. Four hours; you can do four hours. Give us a call, we'll help you get connected.
Dr. Alice Benton: I've spoken with a few women recently who told me about a well-intentioned pastor saying, "Well, have you been an attentive enough wife? Because maybe that's why he was unfaithful." Or family members who have said, "But think about your husband's salvation. If you back away from him now, what if he won't be saved?" Of course, we've got to analyze our own behavior in a marriage because both people are imperfect, but those well-intentioned sayings are really not helpful when a wife has been trampled by infidelity. You'll get truth, you'll get empowerment through this workshop that we're offering, but you'll also get understanding, and that's what you need when you're in that much pain.
Brian Perez: This is happening August 1st, so sign up now at newlife.com or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE. If you feel that tug, that nudge in your heart, this could be why. So call in or sign up online at newlife.com. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to reach us in the studio right now for the rest of this hour and all of next. Let's go to Los Angeles and speak with Linda, she is listening on newlife.com. Hey Linda, thanks for calling in today. What's going on?
Linda: Thank you for taking my call. I have been married for over 50 years, and my husband is getting ready to retire. We've had a difficult marriage over the years. We've been to together sometimes, just me other times, 10 counselors over the years. Doesn't seem to have helped. One of the issues we're having: I'm very cautious, he's very—in my perspective, he flies by the seat of his pants. I was raised to be very cautious and safety-conscious. The current problem is he's been a photographer for a while, a very successful one in our area. He is planning on retiring from that. He is planning on still doing photography as a hobby, which is good. The issue we're having is over taking public pictures with people in it, and he insists that he will be putting those on social media. I don't know why he has to; the only thing I can think of is an ego boost to show his pictures, because he's proud of them and he's very good. He'll be taking everything. I want him to get a release. I've looked at laws in our state. We also talked to an attorney at one time about when we do events that children will be in; they definitely said there had to be a release. He absolutely will not discuss any conflict about anything over the years. Almost nothing; he just won't talk to me about it.
Becky Brown: So Linda, you guys will have an argument, and then one of you backs up and the other one lets it go because there's no reason to keep pushing the button. For 50 years you've been doing this.
Linda: Well, I do keep it up. I do push the button. I do try to get him to talk about it. I may do that too much, but lately, I don't know what to do. On this one, and over the years—budgeting is another one, handling money. But this is a more serious thing, I think: taking pictures of people. And you asked me what do I do? No, I do keep on asking. I've let this one go for a few days, and before I called in today, I asked him again. I sent the laws of our state, and it was just: he knows that he took the class, he knows what to do, and he isn't going to worry about it. He doesn't worry about anything and I worry about everything.
Becky Brown: See, that's the opposites attract. The reason why I emphasize the 50 years—first of all, congratulations on making it 50 years. However, it's been a challenge of 50 years.
Linda: I've been getting to the point—I do have a counselor, she's a Christian, but she doesn't get into Christian issues. There are days where I just say, "God, I'm not suicidal, I just say, please take me home. I can't take it anymore." I'm anxious, and I'm getting flack from people at church because they can tell I'm anxious, and I don't want to tell my story to everybody. But this has been—I've been under tension and anxiety my whole marriage. I probably should have left. He left a couple times about 20 years ago, an issue came up with our son and it caused a lot of chaos. And I'm scared he'll leave, and at the same time anymore, I'm thinking, and I can't leave. There are good times. It isn't all argument; there are good times. Everybody loves Danny. I'm the serious one. I have no family to back up. Our son just cut us out of his life, our only child, an adult son. So it's too much.
Becky Brown: It's a lot, Linda. We hear the pain. A lot of times when it gets too much, we circle around "what to do, what to do," and the panic sets in. Alice, this is going back to that attachment dance, right? And this dance has been going for 50 years. It's pretty powerful.
Dr. Alice Benton: And so painful, Linda, that you're in agony and he can just brush your concerns off so easily and not attend to them anymore. Your fears are just increasing. My heart is heavy for you that you've seen 10 counselors and it feels like very limited benefit from all those attempts. When did you last ask him to join you for couples counseling?
Linda: I asked recently, within the last week. I'm trying not to push. I'm trying to work on that. But I always ask him. He won't come to the current one. She's pretty good, she's a Christian. He won't come.
Dr. Alice Benton: He won't see her, but will he see another counselor? A new one?
Linda: I don't think so.
Becky Brown: The challenge too on this one, Linda, is because what a lot of people do in marriage is we go to the counselor with the crisis. We go to the counselor with the problem. That seems reasonable, it's understandable. But what we're talking about with the two of you—if I were talking to him, his response is going to be, "Linda worries about everything, she doesn't need to be so concerned, I try to tell her, she won't listen to me." Is that pretty accurate? Is that what his response would be?
Linda: He might not say it like that, but yeah, I think that's what he would be thinking. And also he'll say we've been to 10 counselors and nobody's helped.
Becky Brown: Because if you go to the counselor and the answer is "we've got to resolve this problem," it's not going to help the relationship. The relationship has the problem; it's not the problem that has the problem. Does that make sense?
Linda: It does.
Dr. Alice Benton: And when you hit up against so much unwillingness after multiple attempts, then one of the best solutions is to start to protect and guard your heart more from him. I'd hate for it to go this route, but I've worked with some couples who have to separate their finances because of the fear of impulsivity on one part. They have to look at legal separation so that if there is a lawsuit, not both of them are affected by it. That may be worth your while looking into, consulting with an attorney, and letting your husband know "I'm this afraid that this is one of the options I have to look at, but don't want to take."
Becky Brown: And of course, I would say take a risk, Linda. The two of you get on a plane, go to DC this weekend. What you have invested for 50 years is worth figuring out how to fix it. Linda, thanks for calling us today here at New Life LIVE. Thanks for joining us today on New Life LIVE. You know everything that we do is through your prayers and your financial gifts as well. You can contribute one time or you can become one of our monthly "99 For The One" partners where you make a monthly contribution to keep letting us do what it is that we've been doing for 37 years. Becky, what are the advantages of supporting us at New Life Ministries?
Becky Brown: Well, I mean, first of all, like what I said when we started: I'm laughing because it's like you're listening, and I know you're listening too, Brian, but the audience is listening. There is so much that we are putting out there in the world that is helping people in their lives. If you join "99 For The One," you know that you are part of helping people's lives change. By doing it in a monthly way, you don't have to think about it. There are so many people over the years that I've talked to that they love New Life, they love what we do on the program, and they think they're supporting us, and they're not. So I just want to encourage you, if you think you're supporting us, you may want to give us a call and say, "Am I supporting you? Because I thought I was, but maybe my credit card expired or maybe I just haven't updated." And you know what, for those of you who have been part of "99 For The One," thank you. Maybe it's time for an increase. I mean, I'm going to be all out there because I know that the world has a lot of misinformation that's out there about how to do life, and I want you to be part of what God is doing through New Life, and you can join today.
Brian Perez: You can join at newlife.com or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE or you can text NLM as in New Life Ministries to 28950. Thank you for whatever you can do as a monthly partner, or you can give a one-time gift as well. Any gift, large or small, helps. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to reach us for the rest of this hour and all of next. Here's James in Pensacola, listening on WEGS. Hi there, James. Welcome to New Life LIVE.
James: Hey, how y'all doing today? I just got a question for you. I've been married 17 years, going on 18 years in December with my wife Judy. Recently she's had some medical issues to where I had to put her in rehab and it got to the point where I couldn't take care of her anymore because of her not able to walk. So I had to put her into a facility that's also a nursing facility as well. I'm just wondering if you could give me some advice on how to handle this because it's kind of hard on me and it's something new. I miss her at night here, and then I'm up there as often as I can be.
Dr. Alice Benton: James, are you feeling guilty that you had to make this decision?
James: No ma'am, I'm not feeling guilty at all. I just feel like—first of all, let me give you a little bit more information. I'm visually impaired and my wife is totally blind. And she's also having mild dementia as well. We've been happy for these past 17 years because I waited on her hand and foot. So it's so heavy. I do not feel the least bit of guilt because I know she's getting the care that she needs and she needs to be where she's at.
Dr. Alice Benton: And is she angry with you that she's in a nursing facility?
James: No, she's not. She's able to accept it pretty well.
Dr. Alice Benton: You're both in a very healthy state of mind and heart in having to be in this position. Is the worst part of it then missing her and not knowing how to take care of yourself when you miss her at night?
James: Absolutely.
Dr. Alice Benton: And tell us about your social circle outside of Judy.
James: Well, I don't have much of a social circle because I do volunteer work for the Council on Aging here in Pensacola as far as social work, and I am involved heavily in church work as well.
Becky Brown: You're amazing, James. You're amazing. Alice and I just did a webinar on grief and that's what you're talking about: the grief of this change of your life. There are so many things changing that you accept it, but you have feelings about it, right?
James: Right.
Dr. Alice Benton: We talked in our webinar about anticipatory grief, and you've already lost your nighttime access to your wife. But your heart might also be preparing you that she is deteriorating more. And if you are active in your community but perhaps don't have men that you share with on an intimate, deep heart level, that's usually the solution to missing a spouse. She's still alive, but you don't have the same access to her, and she's not the same as she used to be. That dementia is changing her and her ability to interact with you. So what's your reaction, especially if you're hesitant or if you've been hurt by men in the past when you tried to befriend them? What do you think about risking going deeper with some men that you would develop friendship with?
James: I could try that, yes.
Dr. Alice Benton: It would probably be wise to join a men's group at your church.
James: I'm already in one.
Dr. Alice Benton: You are? And are you sharing with them about Judy and about your loneliness at night?
James: Yes. In fact, I'm a member of the Knights of Columbus; it's a fraternity group.
Dr. Alice Benton: I would guess, James, that because you have such a servant's heart, you probably do a lot more giving than receiving. And you're good at it. It's probably your personality. And when you're such a giver, it can be hard to become needy and to be intentionally needy. Like, you can probably get through this without talking to these guys, without telling them you're lonely or asking that maybe they'd call you. Maybe some of the group members would call you at night and chat with you or come and visit you. But that probably isn't your nature to ask for those things. But this may be a time in your life that God is prompting you: James, be a receiver. Become needy in a healthy way so that other men can have the opportunity to love you better.
Becky Brown: One of the things, James, that we talked about in our grief webinar was we're all walking each other home. And right now where you are with Judy, her going into this care facility was one step closer to the two of you being away from each other until you're with each other in eternity. And I know from what you're talking about, you're aware of that, and there are big feelings that come with that recognition. And as Alice is talking about connecting, just being aware that this is happening to you is good, and connecting with somebody who can hear it. So it may be that we can connect you with a counselor that you can just process some of those big feelings with. James, you're way ahead of the curve because you're aware and you're connected and you love your wife. You have shared these years together, which is a beautiful thing. But at this time, you're going to need a little bit extra support. It's just part of the journey of life that we will all experience.
Dr. Alice Benton: And James, I hope you'll tell some of the men in the group and maybe some family members that are good at loving well: "Guys, I'm not good at asking for help. I feel kind of uncomfortable doing this, but I'm lonely and I need some people to start checking in on me. Would you be willing to do that for me?"
Brian Perez: James, thanks for calling in today, and everybody watching and listening, please keep James and his wife Judy in your prayers. Thank you so much for watching and listening to New Life LIVE. We're going to be in the studio for another hour, so keep calling us. 1-800-229-3000. If you're on hold right now, you don't have to hang up and call back later. Stay on hold right now and we'll get to you when we come back. You can call in, change your name, change your location, but call us whatever you do.