How Foster Care Brought Me My Miracle Family

Jim Daly: Can you believe it? Focus on the Family will celebrate 50 years of ministry next year.
John Fuller: That's really amazing, Jim. And we know that behind those 50 years, there are countless real-life stories from listeners. Stories about marriages strengthened, babies saved, and even people coming to Christ. Looking back, it's amazing what God has done.
Jim Daly: So we want you to give us a call and record your story. Details and the link are at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
John Fuller: The following program is sponsored by Focus on the Family and is made possible by the heartfelt support of listeners like you. This is John Fuller, and please remember to let us know how you're listening to these programs on a podcast, app, or website.
Jim Daly: One of our core values here at the ministry is the value of children. We believe children are a heritage from the Lord and a blessing. That's why so many of our programs are devoted to parenting and making sure parents are doing the best job they can to raise the next generation. What a calling it is to raise the next generation. I know moms are going, "Is this worth it?" Yes, it's worth it. I've seen it with my own boys. Jean poured into them. I poured into them too, but Jean was the backbone of those boys getting a good foundation. We live in a fallen world, and many kids today grow up in broken families. I grew up in a broken family. I was the foster kid way back when. That was in fourth and fifth grade. I ended up moving in with my brother, who was a young man who married his pregnant teen wife. That had a whole dynamic too, but that was junior high and high school. So I've come from that brokenness. Here's the one thing that's amazing: God is there for you. He's a father to the fatherless, and he is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit. I think when your family breaks apart, you are crushed in spirit, but the Lord is there to say, "Come with me," and restores that brokenness. Today's program is about that.
John Fuller: We've got a remarkable story for you about a schoolteacher who had a heart for children. God pushed her to become involved in foster parenting. This is really inspirational, and I think it's going to be life-changing for a number of our listeners. Michelle Abelar is in the studio with us. She's been a grade school teacher and educational specialist for over 25 years now. In 2017, Michelle became certified as a foster care parent, and that began an unexpected journey toward adoption of her now two children, Charles and Gene. She's captured her story in a little book called *Faith Builds a Family: A Journey of Faith, Hope, and Healing*.
Jim Daly: Michelle, welcome to Focus on the Family. I love your story, and it's close to my heart like I said. First of all, teachers were so important to me growing up. I think it was the structure I was looking for because my home life was so void of structure. I had an alcoholic father, and my mom did what she could, but it was falling apart. Going to school was it for me. I could excel in there, and I felt confident in there. Teachers, for whatever reason, they just took an interest in me and loved on me, which was awesome. It gave me a certain confidence that I don't think I had otherwise. But that was all teachers. So on behalf of all those other teachers, thank you for doing what you've done and what you do every day. I just think it's a great thing. You talk about being an ordinary schoolteacher with dogs and a mortgage, and that's what you thought your life would be like. Then you get into this situation. What was the nudge that God gave you to get into foster care?
Michelle Abelar: It was interesting because I did have dogs and a mortgage, and I got in my car every day and drove to work, and it was routine. Some days I would show up at work and be like, "How did I get here? Did I run any red lights?" because it was so routine. But one day in particular, I'll never forget. I was driving to work and I just felt inside my spirit—I've never had God speak verbally to me, but I felt deep in my spirit—"Quit your job." Out of nowhere! That is how God speaks to us. At that time, they were having lists of teachers that were going to be laying off because districts just didn't have the funding at that point from the state. I said, "Quit my job. That's funny." So I just went on to work like nothing, and I kept feeling that all week. I felt just conviction, "Quit your job." This isn't making sense. So I walked into school one day with the staff that I just loved, and I loved being there. It had been my home for 16 years. I walked in, I was under so much conviction, I just blurted it to everyone I saw, "I feel like I need to quit." They just laughed, and that just helped me feel better inside because I was pretty much ignoring what I knew I should do.
Jim Daly: And what's so critical in this is the way God sows this together. So you did quit, you did get another job, and it was actually you got paid more. So that was good. But something happens in that second grade class that you're teaching. Tell us what happened.
Michelle Abelar: It was another amazing thing that I was working with all struggling readers and there was this little girl. Her name was Gene in that group, and she was balding, and the smell was horrible. We saw red flags. We always saw red flags, but they're so good at covering things up that you can't just call the state on a red flag. You have to have something. So she was very unlovable. After that point, I'd been in the classroom 17 years and I knew that the most unlovable were the ones who needed the most love. So I went home every night and prayed, "God, help me to love this child." But God has definitely taught me to love that child.
Jim Daly: Again, what you're describing is common with kids that have very difficult trauma at home. That's not unusual.
Michelle Abelar: We knew there was something. And that's another thing that you had mentioned, the boundaries, the consistency. So that was their safe place where they could do that kind of stuff because they knew that we would consistently love them while disciplining them.
Jim Daly: In your book, *Faith Builds a Family*, you share a story about the day you agreed to become a foster parent for Gene, this little girl that captured you to be loved, and you knew the need for her to be loved. Then her older brother, Charles, also. Describe that first night when they were dropped off. You're fostering at this point, so you're certified and then the kids come along. Something Jean and I have experienced as well. I think we had about 15 foster kids come through our house, and that first experience is interesting.
Michelle Abelar: It's scary because you don't know what to expect. You're just on the porch going, "Okay, here they come." I knew who was coming, which was beautiful. But I also knew who was coming, which was also scary because I worked with her. They were completely terrified when they were walking up. It was like the weight of the world was on their shoulders. I came to the door and they looked up and they started just screaming, "It's Miss Abelar!"
Jim Daly: That's kind of cool.
Michelle Abelar: Then I opened the door and they ran everywhere. I thought, "What did I get myself into?"
Jim Daly: Well, that's the beginning. They've got to check out the domain. And their ages at this time were seven and eight?
Michelle Abelar: Seven and eight.
Jim Daly: And they're in the foster system and there's a distinction. The state is hopeful that there can be some work with the parents, the birth parents, that they could get to a healthier place and hopefully there's intervention. But that is for the 343,000 kids in foster care, about 77,000 parental rights have been terminated. These kids, their parental rights had not been terminated yet.
Michelle Abelar: No. So they're in the system. This is hopefully a temporary thing to where the parents can get their act together. And this is going on in every state in the US. The state works hard for reunification, sometimes to a fault because those parents aren't going to be able to get the bad behavior corrected. And then that's when the court steps in, they terminate parental rights, and that's where you have 77,000 who are available for adoption. Describe these kids particularly, what they were facing, how long were they in the foster system, and when did they become available for adoption?
Michelle Abelar: We went through actually four and a half years.
Jim Daly: So there was visitation occurring?
Michelle Abelar: Visitation started after nine months. The abuse in their home was so horrific. But due to state laws, they had to start at least trying to work on reunification. So they started visits, and Charles immediately started having physical problems, neurological. He looked like he was having seizures and his arms would fly everywhere. He doesn't remember the details of the abuse, it was so horrific, but it comes out in his body. That's another thing that they learned early on, how to advocate for themselves. He went and made a video for the judge begging, "Please don't ever make me go see them again." The judge granted his wishes and he was free to never see them again.
Jim Daly: He said it's just doing too much and I can't heal.
Michelle Abelar: Gene went to see the parents a little while longer, and it was through a few conversations that she revealed that she was afraid to tell them that she didn't want to see them anymore, that they would hurt her because they still had that hold on her.
Jim Daly: You know, the thing that's so hard to grasp is it's a beautiful thing children have an amazing capacity to forgive their flawed parents. I did, and I know that feeling. You still love your dad, you still love your mom, even though they're not healthy parents. Often those parents were abused as children and it's a repetitive cycle that occurs. So we need to recognize that. In Gene's case, your daughter, she was having fantasy escapes. Describe that because that again is a tool of survival.
Michelle Abelar: Her dream was that one day she would be able to sit on the couch and snuggle with her mom. That her mom would actually wrap her in her arms and snuggle with her. And she thought that with these parenting classes that they were going to be better. She continued with the family visits just for a short while after. She would go off into her closet afterwards and I would hear her talking and she would be off in a completely different world.
Jim Daly: So in that context, what were some of the attitude adjustments that you needed to have, expectation adjustments?
Michelle Abelar: A lot of patience and just sit there and wait for her to come out of it and just say, "Hey, what were you doing?" That was how she coped. She would completely leave the situation. Another thing is we had good therapists. A good therapist brings the foster mom in at the end, or dad. So that's how we worked through a lot of it. A lot of it, I think it was just her feeling safe. And once she started to feel safe, she no longer disappeared into another world. She's never gone there since.
Jim Daly: That's one of the best rewards. And I experienced that with Jean and with some of the foster kids that came in with food insecurity issues, stuttering. I mean, these are things that occur because the kids have been traumatized. And there's no box that says "perfect child" that you can select from. They all come typically with issues. And then the question is how do you do the things you need to do to give that child confidence and security? One that I experienced with one of the kids, it was a two-year-old boy, and he came in, stuttered, and he would sit for breakfast and, "Mr. Jim, can I have cereal?" And I'd give him a bowl of cereal. "Can I have toast?" I'd give him toast. "Can I have a pancake?" I'd give him a pancake. This went on for like three or four weeks every morning. And I just did what he would ask for. One day it just ended. And he asked for a bowl of cereal and nothing else. And the other thing is the stuttering stopped at the same moment. It's like he could then speak clearly. It was like a total God thing, just those insecurities and the fact that he knew he could have access to food anytime he wanted made such a difference for him emotionally. Tell us about the plea that Charles made to God when he was in kindergarten, the prayer he said.
Michelle Abelar: This gives me chills. The Bible says faith of a mustard seed, you can tell that mountain to move and it will move. We were, it was Christmas time and the kids had lived with me since Halloween. Christmas Eve service, my brother Michael did a lot with us at the beginning there. He really helped Charles a lot come out of his shell. We did have a therapist friend, Jamie, who is like a sister. You become very close to the counselors when you start foster care. But we were driving home from Christmas Eve service. It was their first time, they were all dressed up. So we were driving home and my brother said, "Tell us what life was like for you guys back then." And Charles said—I'll never forget this moment—Charles said it was horrible. He said it was the worst thing you could ever imagine. And he said in fact it was so horrible that when I went to kindergarten, I looked at this girl and I said, "I've got to get out of my house. I don't know what to do." And she said, "Pray." The friend said, "Pray." And these are five-year-olds.
Jim Daly: That's grown up fast.
Michelle Abelar: And I found out who the girl was later on. She had also been in foster care at one point, which was interesting. But she told him pray. And I started tracing back. Well, three years ago, what was I doing? Of course, this was also divinely inspired because I don't just come up with ideas like this, but it was that nudge again. Where was I three years ago? And I would have been driving to work when God said, "Quit your job."
Jim Daly: That networking, the weaving of the tapestry from the Lord is such a part of your story. You mention in the book Proverbs 3:5 and 6. It actually is my life verse. I love that verse. It's one of the most popular verses: lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight. I mean, who in devastating trauma, who wouldn't cling to that? That's the promise of God. How did that become powerful and tangible for you and the kids?
Michelle Abelar: It's so amazing because part of foster care is court. And the parents had separated. They were no longer together and the dad was holding on to them. We found out later the reason he was holding on was because they still had his secrets and he wanted to make sure he got them back because he didn't want the secrets out. So we were going to face court and I hadn't told the kids yet. We were still in school and I knew we were going to have court in June and we were all subpoenaed. The kids were going to have to go in and testify against their dad with him in the room. And I just thought these kids have been through so much. Why are we doing this again? That's trauma. But I went, I tucked them into bed and I went to my knees that night at my couch and I said, "I don't understand why are you doing this? These kids have been through so much." And I just fell apart. And I said, "I am not leaving this spot until you tell me why." And that verse popped into my head, Proverbs 3:5 and 6. You know, that was a verse I grew up with. I hadn't thought about it in years. And I replayed it in my head and it's trust in the Lord with all your heart, trust. I wasn't trusting. And lean not on your own understanding. It wasn't my job to understand why. It was my job to trust. And I said, "Thank you, Lord." And I went to bed. And I sang my songs, laid in bed, and I felt peace. I said, "Because you've gotten us this far, Lord." And Charles always said to me, "Mom, God wouldn't bring us this far to let us go. We have to trust."
Jim Daly: Before we close today, Michelle, you've brought along some very special guests: Charles and Gene, the kids we've been talking about. And we'd like to take a moment to ask them a few questions and hear from them. Are you guys okay with that?
Charles: Yeah.
Gene: Yeah.
Jim Daly: Okay, great. What a remarkable story. And in so many ways, I'm sorry that you had to go through that. It's going to get me teary-eyed now because one of the things I love from my sons, who are now 24 and 22, is they'll say to me, "You were a great dad," which I didn't have, you didn't have. And I hope as you grow up and you get married, that might be something that you'll treasure when your kids say you're a great mom and you're a great dad. Won't that be cool? I'm sure you can't even imagine that right now, but it will happen, I think. But even not, just that you're healthy and you're doing well. So thanks for your courage to just sit in for a few minutes with us. I don't even know, there are so many ways we could go here. Maybe a favorite memory with your forever mom here, Michelle. What do you think? When you were on the porch and you realized, "It's my teacher!" What did that feel like? Either one of you. Let's start with you, Charles. What did it feel like?
Charles: I don't remember much from back then. My mind blocked most of it out. I do remember running through the house and looking at all the stuff and being like, "This is a million-dollar mansion!"
Jim Daly: It's three bedrooms! And one of them could be yours!
Charles: And the dishwasher actually works.
Jim Daly: Did it, was it a tough process, the transition, or did it feel like light? Did it feel positive?
Charles: It felt positive, yeah.
Jim Daly: That's amazing. Do you remember that prayer when you were five?
Charles: Yeah. I actually also got help from my school. There's a thing called the Good News Club.
Jim Daly: Oh yeah! My wife and I both participated in that.
Charles: Yeah. So that's actually how I learned how to pray was the Good News Club.
Jim Daly: Wow, that was a great thing that you were able to go to that. Gene, how about you? What was that memory when you went, "Ah!"?
Gene: It was crazy because I had recognized her as, "Oh, she's the teacher that we would read this little book." What was it, *Wayside Stories*? Yeah, we'd read *Wayside Stories* together, just take turns at our little table. And then the minute I saw her, I was like, "Wait, this is her house? I'm going to stay with her? This is awesome!" Because I really liked her. She was the only teacher that I really liked because we had that bond.
Jim Daly: You're hungry for that, right? Because you haven't felt a normal sense of love. And when you feel it, somebody paying attention to you, somebody recognizing you're actually in the room, that's an amazing feeling, isn't it?
Gene: It feels great. It's refreshing. And that is what it should be like. That is normal. That is what a child should feel is being wanted and being loved. And again, it's just wonderful that you guys are experiencing that now. And I'm sorry it didn't happen when you were first born.
Jim Daly: Let me ask you guys, why do you think—you're talking to a couple million people through this broadcast—being a foster parent or adopting out of foster care can be really hard. What's your best pitch to ask an adult or a married couple to say, "It's a good thing to do"? What would you say?
Gene: I think I would say whenever you go and you make that step, someone halfway across the world is thanking you because this is something that's taking them out of torture. This is something completely new. This is a new life for them that you're going to give them.
Jim Daly: Charles, any thoughts?
Charles: You're literally saving a life. I mean, I could have died there. So whenever you think about that, if you think about it as saving a life, I think it's a pretty easy choice.
Jim Daly: Man, that is good. That is so good. Let me ask you spiritually, this idea of God and trusting in the Lord, and the Proverbs 3:5 and 6 that we talked about earlier. How has he made an impact in your life and what's your relationship with the Lord like?
Gene: I feel like if I hadn't gotten into foster care, I wouldn't have known God because we were not a Christian family at my biological parents' house. We were actually probably the complete opposite. And I feel like to this day, I've gotten really close to God through foster care because it depends on the home you go into. If you go into a Christian home, then you know that not only does someone else love you, but God loves you too. So even whenever you don't feel loved, God's there with you through everything, through all your healing, through all the trauma you're re-experiencing. And it's just great.
Jim Daly: That's pretty awesome. And that he loves you more than anything, you and you, that he loved you enough to die for you. That's pretty cool. Well, that's how we concluded our conversation with Michelle Abelar and her two teenagers, Charles and Gene, on today's episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. What an amazing story. And God prompting Michelle at the right time to step in and foster these kids, and she was ready and willing to give them a forever home. Michelle didn't accomplish all that on her own. She had a wonderful community of support, and that's what you need. Her niece's family got her started in foster care, her brother was a positive influence on her kids, and many others helped along the way. That's a key part of what our Wait No More ministry, where we not only recruit couples to become foster or adoptive parents, but we also encourage people to come alongside these families in their church and community. Not everyone is going to adopt. We get it. But there are great ways to get involved and provide help. Maybe shopping or running errands for the families, doing laundry, or simply being a good neighbor and a friend. Another way you can help is through our suitcase bundle program. I love this program. Life in foster care is difficult enough with all of the moving from home to home to home, and many of these kids end up carrying their possessions in trash bags, hefty bags. Focus on the Family wants to provide something better, something with dignity. A suitcase filled with a Bible, a teddy bear, and a handwritten letter to remind children of how much they're loved. And we want to invite you to sponsor one or more of these suitcase bundles. Every gift of $100 provides that bundle to a needy child. If you can become a monthly sponsor, that would be great, or give a one-time gift. Whatever you can afford, we so appreciate your generosity. And the kids do too.
John Fuller: Contact us today to learn more about Wait No More and how you can get involved. Our number is 800, the letter A and the word family, or stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Well, thanks for listening today to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ.