Do's and Don’ts to Comfort the Grieving during the Holidays

The Biggest Mistakes People Make in Comforting the Grieving

Perhaps the biggest mistake nice people make when comforting someone is dismissing the profound impact of loss. Grief is not sadness to get over or a sin to confess. Grief is “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.” God himself experienced grief. In an attempt to make someone feel better, well-meaning people sometimes make thoughtless comments, which cause the grieving person to feel more isolated and misunderstood. Those of us who aren’t presently grieving a loss must protect those who are from feeling abandoned and alone.

The second biggest comforting mistake is assuming their feelings are wrong or can be changed. Grief is not a feeling. It’s a deep loss. Grieving people don’t need cheering up; they need compassion and companionship. They need hope that their grief will lessen with time and a patient friend to walk with them throughout their recovery.

The third biggest comforting mistake is misjudging the need for both space and company. Our thoughts and emotions always intensify when we’re alone. After the flurry of attention surrounding a traumatic experience, friends and family go back to their normal lives, leaving the grieving person alone with their grief. While it’s good to process complex emotions by yourself, too much time alone is dangerous for grieving people. People who want to comfort often err by providing too much company during the crisis and not enough during the recovery and reconstruction period.

It’s important to understand that anyone experiencing a deep loss will, for a time, teleport into a mourning period where their normal activities and perspectives subside. When you’re mourning, everything else in your life blurs and slows; you move, almost on autopilot, through mundane chores. You think, “How can people laugh? Don’t they realize what’s happened?”

A grieving person doesn’t want sympathy; they want empathy. They want someone to sit in that awful, lonely space and help them feel like a new life is possible without this very important person or freedom.

How to Comfort a Grieving Person

Comfort may include a casserole, but it’s so much more. Not all losses are equal; we must be careful and considerate in the comfort we offer—our aid should help them in the way they want to be helped. We cannot prioritize our feelings of helplessness or sadness over their need for true empathy and care. Speak and act in ways that show your love and support. Here are a few suggestions–some do's and don’ts for comforting the grieving.

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DON’T trivialize their grief experience.

Don’t make comments like “You’ll find another girlfriend” or “At least, _______.” Grief traumatizes people and makes it impossible to see alternatives unless the grief begins to subside. You can’t convince people into accepting loss; making diminishing comments only isolates them more and makes you an untrustworthy confidante. I always say the simple phrase, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” I do not quote verses like “All things work together for good” to them (Romans 8:28). This verse is true, but it feels cliché and cruel in a tragic moment.

DON’T compare your experiences to theirs.

Never say, “I know exactly how you feel” or “That’s what happened to me.” All griefs are similar in neurological and physiological impact, but they are unique in individual experience. You might be able to empathize with the grieving, but don’t assume you know how they feel. If you’ve experienced the kind of trauma they are experiencing, empathy will pervade your conversation without you telling your grief story (this is not the time). Grieving people trust people who’ve grieved. I love sending verses about God’s compassion to grieving people, like "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18).

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DON’T promise relief.

Try not to say, “It will get better soon.” You don’t know what their journey entails or how long it will take. Grief is complex. Sometimes, relief and guilt accompany the sadness of a loss. Sometimes, a loss is attached to a betrayal or a serious injustice. The onset of a loss might also reveal criminal activity or family complications. The grieving person might have many layers of emotional trauma to sort out in addition to their loss. I like Isaiah 61:--"He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted" and Psalm 147:3--“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." God is the only relief for grief.

DON’T expect them to know how to ask for help.

Don’t say, “Let me know what I can do to help.” Grieving people are unable to ask for specific help or remember things that they normally would. They lack the ability to see a life beyond what they’re currently experiencing. Take initiative; just jump into their need quietly with both feet. Set up the meal train, mow their grass, bring them lunch, and buy their groceries. Just act; don’t tell them to call you when they need something. They are just trying to survive; they don’t know how to ask or what to ask for. ^“For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting, and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory” (1 Thessalonians 2:11-13).

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DON’T judge their journey.

Don’t say, “It’s time to snap out of it” or “It’s time to get on with your life,” especially early in the grief journey. You don’t know the timeline for someone’s recovery. You can encourage them to see a counselor and make sure they’re not a danger to anyone. They probably already feel bad about themselves and their ability to function; they need your encouragement, not your judgment. Point them to the God of all comfort: “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore, I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him” (Lamentations 3:21-25).

DON’T ask them how they’re doing in a public setting.

Whenever you see someone who’s been through a hard time, the natural inclination is to ask them immediately how they’re doing. They might seem able to handle the question, but they also might, for a few moments, be trying to take a break from feeling grief. If you ask them a personal question in public, they might melt down in front of people they don’t know or trust. Keep in mind that grieving people are managing their own grief in the best way they know how. Going out in public is itself an act of courage and bravery. Help them be brave and check on them in private. ^“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18).

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DO - Be present.

You might need to sit next to them and not speak; just let them cry. Or maybe your quiet presence in their living room makes it possible for them to nap. Or maybe they prefer your daily prayers to your physical presence in their home. It’s comforting for the grieving to know they’re valued without the expectation on them to invite well-wishers into their homes. Keep in mind that not everyone wants to be visited or touched. Hanging on to them or rubbing their back might not be comfortable for them. Make sure you know how they want to be loved and respect their request regarding visitors. It’s a huge help to grieving people for one of their friends to manage the visitors so they don’t have to. (It’s okay to say no to people.)

DO - Be prayerful.

We can’t control our lives or the lives of the people we love. Don’t succumb to fear and anxiety about death and loss. Pray for the grieving to grow in courage, faith, and healing. Pray with the confidence that God is a Redeemer and a Healer.

DO - Be normal.

Take grieving people with you to safe environments so they can do normal things. Help them have fun and laugh again. Also, be willing to go with them to the cemetery or memorial to reminisce. My parents are buried in another state, but I supplied a memorial plaque for a park bench in a local park where my mom spent a lot of time with my kids and me when they were little. As a minimum, I visit the bench and have tea and cake in her honor every Mother’s Day and birthday, and I stop to sit every time I’m at the park. Friends and family often go with me to her bench. It’s a normal and special part of remembering her.

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DO - Be protective.

Especially at the beginning of the grief process, block calls and conversations that the grieving aren’t ready to have. Be a buffer for them; in social situations, keep away the busy-bodies and drama queens disguising themselves as comforters. (Nobody wants to be comforted by acquaintances, especially during times of grief.) We want the people we trust. One way I protect grieving people is by putting a large cooler on their front porch with a sign on it: “Thank you for your care. Please leave any food or gifts in this cooler. The family appreciates your respect for their privacy at this time.” This system prevents the continual threat of the doorbell ringing and people parading into the house. Many families have told me that the cooler made them feel safe from having to host visitors while they were processing the shock of their loss.

DO - Be helpful.

Pick up the slack and do the details that grieving people can’t think about on their own, like housework, meals, bills, scheduling, and doctor visits. For example, you can say—

• “I’m sending over a cleaning lady every other Friday for the next few months.”
• “Here are gift cards for restaurants and delivery services.”
• “I’ll be buying extra groceries and dropping them off. If you have a particular item you’d like me to get, let me know.”
• “Can I take you to your chemo infusion and play cards with you while you wait?”

You won’t do everything perfectly, but grieving people don’t expect you to be perfect. They are already living in the reality of gross imperfection. They have experienced deep loss that doesn’t make sense and isn’t fair. 

Being a friend to the grieving draws you closer to God and often creates strong relational bonds. As a minimum, you are being the hands and feet of Jesus when you serve someone who’s grieving. Matthew 5:7 says, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.” Comfort is merciful.

As Jesus said, “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me’” (Matthew 25:40).

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