Misunderstandings

Audio By Carbonatix

No matter how hard we try to avoid them, we’ve all run into misunderstandings in our relationships. Sometimes, we misunderstand other people, and sometimes, they misunderstand us. As much as we may wish it wasn’t true, misunderstandings are a part of life. They’re going to happen in your family life. They’re going to happen in your marriage and with your children. They’re going to happen with your friends and co-workers.

Because we know that misunderstandings are inevitable as we interact with people, the question to answer is less, “How do we avoid them?” and more, “How do we handle these moments?” If you stop and think about it, it’s interesting to notice how different it feels to be on opposite sides of a misunderstanding. If you’re the one who misunderstands somebody else, the main things you feel are probably confusion along with some annoyance or frustration, depending on what you think they were trying to communicate. And when you’re the person who is being misunderstood, you probably feel those same feelings, but you also feel hurt on top of everything else.

When somebody thinks you did or said something that you never would have done or said, you begin to wonder why their opinion of you is low enough that they would assume the worst about you in that way. So now, you have hurt, confusion, frustration, and annoyance piled on top of a misunderstanding. Can you see how quickly things can go even further downhill in these moments?

As I think back on the ways I’ve handled these moments over the course of my life, I have many memories of responding in ways that made things worse. If I go back a few years ago in my own life, I would often respond by getting frustrated and answering in anger. “Come on! How are you not getting what I’m saying?” When I would respond that way, I didn’t even realize that I was basically doubling down and guaranteeing that we wouldn’t be moving in the direction of understanding.

Instead of doing that (which is what comes naturally to me), I’ve been trying to pull back and figure out where things went wrong. I’ve been learning to say, “I didn’t mean what must have come out,” or, “I must have a facial expression that doesn’t match what I’m feeling on the inside.” Those phrases are not magic and they’re not quick-fixes. But they are helpful in getting the conversation moving in the right direction. Because instead of focusing on the feelings of frustration, annoyance, or hurt, they focus on resolving the actual misunderstanding.

If we don’t address misunderstandings head on, they can end up festering and causing more issues than we might expect. Just like in so many other aspects of a relationship, communication is key. Whether you’re talking to your spouse, child, parent, co-worker, or neighbor, taking the time to clarify things will make a difference. It will stop you from making the wrong assumptions about the other person, and it will stop them from making the wrong assumptions about you.

In the middle of a misunderstanding, the way forward is calm communication. It will be very hard when you first start doing it, but instead of reacting, do your best to stay calm. When you do that as you talk things through, you’ll be setting the conversation up for the greatest chance of success and you’ll be winning more often at home.