The “I Don’t Want to Shower” Phase

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When to Let It Slide and When to Worry

By Tricia Goyer

If you have a preteen in your house, you have likely stood outside a bathroom door having a conversation that baffles you.

“Please take a shower.” 

“I don’t need one. I took one two days ago.” 

“Honey, I can smell you from here. Go get in the water.”

It is one of the most common—and frustrating—battles of the preteen years. You look at your child, who used to love bubble baths, and wonder why basic hygiene has suddenly become a negotiation.

First, take a deep breath. You are not alone. This is a normal, albeit smelly, rite of passage. But as we navigate these years, we have to discern between what is just a “phase” and what might be a signal of something deeper.

Here is how to handle the hygiene battle without losing your connection with your child.

1. Realize It Is (Usually) Just a Phase

In the preteen brain, the frontal lobe (responsible for judgment and planning) is still under construction. To them, a shower feels like a massive waste of time that could be spent gaming, reading, or texting.

Psychologists note that indifference to hygiene is often just a lack of motivation or simple forgetfulness. As the St. Louis Children’s Hospital notes, tweens are often confused by their changing bodies. They may not even realize that the “every-other-day” routine that worked at age eight is no longer sufficient for age twelve.

2. What to Let Slide (Pick Your Battles)

In my book Faith That Sticks, I talk about a principle that saves a lot of heartache: “Relationship beats rule-keeping every time.” If we nag our kids about everything—their messy room, their homework, their attitude, and their hygiene—they will tune us out completely.

• Let the “Perfect Schedule” Slide: If they aren’t going anywhere and they skip a day, let it go. It’s not worth a blowout fight on a lazy Saturday.
• Let the “Style” Slide: If they want to use a specific (and maybe weird-smelling) soap or wear the same hoodie three days in a row (as long as it’s cleanish), let them have that autonomy.

3. What to Focus On

While we want to extend grace, we also have to teach life skills. Focus on the natural consequences rather than your own annoyance.

• The “Smell Test”: Be honest but kind. “I love you, but you have a strong odor today, and I don’t want you to feel embarrassed at youth group. You need to handle that before we leave.”
• Autonomy: Take them to the store and let them pick out their own deodorant, body wash, or face wipes. When they feel ownership over the process, they are less likely to resist it.

4. When to Worry: Is It More Than Laziness?

This is the part where we need to put on our detective hats. While skipping a shower is often just laziness, hygiene indifference can sometimes be a red flag for mental health struggles.

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), a sudden and persistent lack of interest in hygiene can be a symptom of depression or anxiety. When a child is depressed, the steps required to shower (getting undressed, water temp, washing, drying, dressing) can feel overwhelmingly exhausting.

Look for these signs:

• Social Withdrawal: Are they skipping showers and isolating themselves in their room?
• Mood Shifts: Is the hygiene refusal accompanied by irritability, sadness, or a lack of interest in things they used to love?
• Sleep/Appetite Changes: Are they sleeping all day or not eating?

If you see these signs paired with the hygiene struggle, it’s time to stop nagging about the shower and start asking about their heart. As I’ve shared before, “We can’t shield our kids from every storm, but we can prepare them to stand strong in it.” That starts with noticing when they are drowning.

The Bottom Line

Most of the time, the “stinky phase” is just that—a phase. It requires patience, a lot of deodorant, and a sense of humor. But keep your eyes open. If the mess on the outside seems to reflect a mess on the inside, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help. (See my blog for finding a good therapist for your child here.)

Until then, buy the strong body wash, give them a hug (maybe after they shower), and remember: this too shall pass.

Check it Out:

5 Biblical Ways to Disciple Your Pre-Teen | Tricia Goyer & Leslie Nunnery

This video features a discussion with Tricia Goyer and Leslie Nunnery on Focus on the Family, where they dive deeper into the concepts from Faith That Sticks and how to maintain a strong relationship with your preteen through the tricky years.

Resources to Help You Through Every Phase

If you want to go deeper into building a home filled with gratitude, faith, and peace, here are four resources to help you take the next step:

1. The Grumble-Free Year If you enjoyed this post, invite yourself into the full story! Join me and my family of eleven (including our eighty-eight-year-old grandmother!) as we embark on a yearlong quest to eliminate grumbling. In this book, I share our real-life plans, successes, and plenty of failures as we move out of survival mode. It offers actionable steps based on Scripture to help you discover what really matters, go with the flow when plans change, and finally thrive as a family. “The Grumble-Free Year is a guide that gives you practical ways to develop a practice of gratitude and to foster respect in relationships.” —Sarah Bragg

2. Calming Angry Kids Sometimes grumbling turns into slammed doors and hurting hearts. If you are navigating life with a child who struggles with chronic anger, you are not alone. Drawing on my own experiences, this book helps you understand what is happening in your child’s brain so you can focus on relationship over rules. It includes reflection questions and action steps to help you teach your child how to handle frustration without outbursts—and how to control your own reactions, too. Peace in your home is within reach!

3. Faith That Sticks The preteen years can be perilous, and many parents feel unequipped to guide their growing kids through the messages that threaten their emotional and spiritual health. In this book, co-authored with Leslie Nunnery, we share a roadmap for parents who feel overwhelmed. We break down five real-life discipleship building blocks—prayer, Bible reading, family relationships, conversation, and service—to help you connect with your preteen on a deeper level. If you want to watch your kids grow in their faith, this is the encouragement you need.

4. Read Through the Bible with Me We can’t pour into our kids if we aren’t being poured into ourselves. Join me at The Monday Meetup, where we read through the Bible together! It’s a space for community, encouragement, and staying grounded in God’s Word as we tackle the week ahead. Join the Monday Meetup here!